In the third grade, my Social Studies teacher Mrs. Wright assigned every student in my class to write our Congressman about problems we see around us. Mrs. Wright wanted us to see “government in action.” This is the letter I received back from my Congressman — Joe Barton.
Congressman Joseph Barton
U.S. House of Representatives
2109 Rayburn Building
Washington, DC 20515
April 8, 1989
5600 Westerway Drive
Arlington, TX 76013
RE: Your Letter Dated March 6, 1989
Dear Mr. Desai,
Thank you for your letter. I enjoyed all the letters from your class members at Dunn Elementary School. Your letter, however, left me a little puzzled. While your classmates wrote about problems ranging from new parks to world hunger, you chose to write about problems that I cannot help you with.
First, I cannot pass a bill to prevent your rampant bedwetting. This is not scientifically possible. Nor can I get you a new speech therapist. You’ll just have to deal with Mrs. Poole for now.
Also, I do not know why your brother says you are gay and then also says Sherri Ragsdale is your girlfriend. Indeed, he is contradicting himself.
Further, I cannot say for sure why your father has started sleeping in the guest room. And, even though your father’s sobbing keeps you up at night, the Surgeon General recommends eight hours of sleep a night for a growing boy like yourself. Try a warm glass of milk. It works for me.
Lastly, if you think your mother is spending too much time with her personal trainer Brett, then maybe you should mention your feelings to your mother. The fact that Brett keeps telling you to “get used to it” is all the more cause for concern.
I hope that helps. If you ever visit Washington, DC, with or without your nuclear family intact, please stop by my office where I can make you an honorary congressman for the day.