Public Service: Avoid Palm Cruise Lines

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This is a public service.  Never go on a Palm Cruise.  This is a letter I received from Palm Cruise Lines after I wrote them for a refund following an unsatisfactory vacation I had on one of their singles cruises.  The cruise was disappointing.  Their response even more so.  See for yourself why you should avoid Palm Cruises.

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                                                                                    Caroline Latham
                                                                                    Vice-President, Customer Service
                                                                                    Palm Cruise Lines, LLC
                                                                                    P.O. Box 7685
                                                                                    Orlando, FL 32805

                                                           December 12, 2013

Raj Desai
727 S. Mansfield Ave., #10
Los Angeles, CA 90036

RE: Your Letter Dated November 11, 2013

Dear Mr. Desai,

Thank you for your letter dated November 11, 2013.  On behalf of Palm Cruise Lines, I am sorry that you did not enjoy your recent week with us on our “Fiesta Caliente” Caribbean singles cruise.  However, I regret to inform you that we cannot refund the cost of your weeklong cruise with us.

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Government in Action

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In the third grade, my Social Studies teacher Mrs. Wright assigned every student in my class to write our Congressman about problems we see around us.  Mrs. Wright wanted us to see “government in action.”  This is the letter I received back from my Congressman — Joe Barton.

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                                                                                             Congressman Joseph Barton
                                                                                             U.S. House of Representatives
                                                                                             2109 Rayburn Building
                                                                                             Washington, DC 20515 

April 8, 1989

Raj Desai
5600 Westerway Drive
Arlington, TX 76013

RE: Your Letter Dated March 6, 1989

Dear Mr. Desai,

Thank you for your letter.  I enjoyed all the letters from your class members at Dunn Elementary School.  Your letter, however, left me a little puzzled.  While your classmates wrote about problems ranging from new parks to world hunger, you chose to write about problems that I cannot help you with.  

First, I cannot pass a bill to prevent your rampant bedwetting.  This is not scientifically possible.  Nor can I get you a new speech therapist.  You’ll just have to deal with Mrs. Poole for now.

Also, I do not know why your brother says you are gay and then also says Sherri Ragsdale is your girlfriend.  Indeed, he is contradicting himself.

Further, I cannot say for sure why your father has started sleeping in the guest room.  And, even though your father’s sobbing keeps you up at night, the Surgeon General recommends eight hours of sleep a night for a growing boy like yourself.  Try a warm glass of milk.  It works for me.

Lastly, if you think your mother is spending too much time with her personal trainer Brett, then maybe you should mention your feelings to your mother.  The fact that Brett keeps telling you to “get used to it” is all the more cause for concern.

I hope that helps.  If you ever visit Washington, DC, with or without your nuclear family intact, please stop by my office where I can make you an honorary congressman for the day.

Yours Truly,

Joe Barton

Some Upcoming Shows in Nov./Dec. 2013

I have some upcoming shows in the LA area:

Sunday 11/24/13 - Revolution at Lexington Bar, 9pm, LA, CA

Tuesday 11/26/13 - Hollywood Hostel, 9pm, LA, CA

Saturday 11/30/13 - 12 Shiny Nickel at Westside Comedy Theater, 11pm, Santa Monica, CA

Sunday 12/1/13 - Flapper’s Comedy Club, 8pm, Burbank, CA

Tuesday 12/3/13 - Jon Lovitz Comedy Club, 8pm, Universal City, CA

Saturday 12/14/13 - 12 Shiny Nickel at Westside Comedy Theater, 11pm, Santa Monica, CA

Sunday 12/15/13 - Hollywood Hostel, 9pm, LA, CA

Tuesday 12/17/13 - Jon Lovitz Comedy Club, 8pm, Universal City, CA

Dr. Steven Fisher on 5 Things Obamacare Does Not Do

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The Affordable Care Act (aka “Obamacare”) is now open for enrollment, With that in mind, Steven Fisher, M.D., M.P.H. is here to provide consumers insight into things that Obamacare does not do. 

Here is Dr. Fisher’s “5 Things Obamacare Does Not Do.”  Be advised that Dr. Fisher was recently divorced.

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5 Things Obamacare Does Not Do

1.) Obamacare Does Not Stop Your Wife From Cheating on You

The first thing consumers must know about Obamacare is that it did not prevent my wife from cheating on me.  Nope, over 1,000 pages in that bill and not a single clause of it stopped Joanne from sleeping with her personal trainer.  A personal trainer I paid for, I should add.  

2.) Obamacare Fails to Address What Chad The Personal Trainer Has That I Lack

The President’s law is a failure when it comes to explaining how Chad — the personal trainer my ex-wife had an affair with — is in any way half the man I am.  Does Chad have two advanced degrees as I do?  Does Chad’s work “literally” save lives?  I’ll admit that Chad is in good shape, so is Joanne so shallow as to throw away ten years of marriage just for that?

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Summer 2013 Standup Tour Dates

For any fans I have outside L.A., I will be opening for Anthony Jeselnik on the following dates:

4/26/13 - Minneapolis, MN - 7:30 pm - Varsity Theater

4/26/13 - Minneapolis, MN - 10:30 pm - Varsity Theater

5/4/13 - St. Louis, MO - 8:00 pm - The Pageant

5/30/13 - Dallas, TX - 7:30 pm - House of Blues

5/31/13 - Houston, TX - 7:30 pm - House of Blues

6/1/13 - New Orleans, LA - 7:00 pm - Harrah’s New Orleans

6/1/13 - New Orleans, LA - 9:00 pm - Harrah’s New Orleans

6/6/13 - Vancouver, BC - 7:30 pm - Vogue Theatre

6/7/13 - Portland, OR - 7:30 pm - Aladdin Theater

6/7/13 - Portland, OR - 10:30 pm - Aladdin Theater

6/8/13 - Seattle, WA - 7:30 pm - Neptune Theater

Tickets/More Info available here:  Anthony Jeselnk Live

L.A. Dates:

4/27/13 - Hollywood Improv, 10 pm

4/27/13 - Hollywood Improv, Midnight

5/7/13 - UCB Theater, Put Your Hands Together Show, 8 pm

5/9/13 - Cinephile, Santa Monica, CA, 9 pm

What I Learned from the Movie Lincoln

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A lot of journalists and public intellectuals have been commenting on what the movie Lincoln taught them and how we can all learn from the movie.  Well, I recently saw the movie with my so-called friend Milo and I thought I could add to the discussion of what both Lincoln the man and Lincoln the film can teach us today.

So, like I said, I saw the movie recently with my so-called friend Milo.  I ask Milo if he wants to see Lincoln and Milo said sure but then like a second after we bought our tickets, Milo’s like, “We should really be seeing the new James Bond movie.  I heard there’s a really cool scene on top of a moving train.”  Milo mentions this multiple times.  It’s like, hey, I don’t want to see a movie with someone who just goes on about a different movie they wanted to see.  I bet the night Abraham Lincoln was shot at Ford’s Theater — if Mary Lincoln had kept saying, “I wish we were seeing the new James Bond play instead” — Abe Lincoln would’ve been furious.  So the first thing the movie Lincoln taught me is don’t see movies with someone who really wants to see a James Bond movie, especially if that person’s name is Milo.

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Yelp Review of God

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When I first heard about God, I was really psyched about the concept.  It sounds great – you ask for stuff you want, and then this God guy helps you out.  But, now, after being on Earth for awhile, I gotta say that this God guy has a lot of room for improvement.  I mean, you gotta give it up for God in certain departments, but, in other departments, it’s liked what’re you thinking, God?  Even though you’re the all-knowing/all-powerful entity in charge of Earth, I’m calling you out.  I’m not a hater, but sorry, God, that’s what this forum’s for.

First, let’s run down some of the pluses of God.  Great job on flowers, good work with the oceans, mountains, and other natural beauty stuff.  Natural beauty is naturally beautiful…NUFF SAID.  And, hey, I like seeing, hearing, and all the other senses — all five senses are what really make life “pop” – you gotta give it up to God in human senses department.  Seriously, good effin’ stuff, God. 

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President Eisenhower’s Statement on Opposite Day

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President Eisenhower’s Statement on Opposite Day

A little know moment in American history occurred on this day 60 years ago, when President Dwight D. Eisenhower, at the behest of his 7 year-old granddaughter, declared that August 17, 1952 was Opposite Day, for one day only.  Most Americans failed to notice, but The White House released the following statement, which White House Press Secretary James Hagerty also read to reporters.

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August 17, 1952

Members of the media and my fellow Americans,

I hereby declare today Opposite Day.  It is the “worst” holiday ever and Americans are sure to “hate” it.  As we partake in this holiday, let us not forget how “unimportant” it is to reflect on what it means to be Americans, the “least” free people on God’s “Un-Green” Earth. 

Okay, I will admit it, “Un-Green” is only technically the opposite of “green” and it is not a word, but, look, when I decided to declare this stupid (no opposite meaning intended) holiday a holiday…and again, to be clear, I am not trying to be the opposite of what I’m saying when I say this holiday is stupid…Oh, it’s so darn confusing!

You know what, time out.  Forget about Opposite Day for a moment.  Look, I declared Opposite Day a holiday at the behest of my granddaughter.  It was just supposed to be a fun thing for her.  I didn’t realize that it could be pretty hard to come up with opposites of words.  Like what is the opposite of brain?  Or, elephant?  See, it’s difficult. 

You know what, I rescind my declaration that today is Opposite Day.  But, damnit, that means, technically, since it is already Opposite Day, I’m not rescinding but rather, reinstating it.  Oh, this holiday is the WORST!  And, I mean it this time.  To be clear, I do mean that I mean it this time.  Not trying to be opposite here.

Okay, well, let me just wind it down by saying I love my granddaughter.  No, I mean I hate her…because it’s Opposite Day, not because I actually hate her…damnit!

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There is no point to this, but I think former Democratic Tennessee Congressman and NBC News Contributor Harold Ford, Jr….

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…could possibly win — or at least have strong showing in — a Derek Jeter look-a-like contest:

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NY Times Columnist Tom Friedman & The Romantic Golf Dramedy “Tin Cup”

A NY Times Op/Ed columnist and the 1996 romantic golf dramedy “Tin Cup” — shall the twain ever meet?  YES!

In a stunning event that I haven’t been able to get off my mind since August 2011, New York Times columnist and best-selling author of “The World is Flat” (and other best-sellers) quoted the Kevin Costner film “Tin Cup” in one of his columns.  I have been processing this event for some time and have finally collected some thoughts on this very important matter.

You see, “Tin Cup” (as depicted below) is a movie I’ve a seen a few times.

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I am oddly fascinated by the distinct average-ness of this movie.  It’s staggeringly average.  There’s some decent suspense, but the dialogue is pretty preposterous.  The same director/writer did “Bull Durham,” which is a movie I really love.  

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