I'm Raj Desai -- a comedian and writer living in Los Angeles. I've been on late night TV and Comedy Central doing stand-up and I've written for Comedy Central.
I’ll be doing standup on the following dates:
1. Thurs. 8/14/14, Redwood Bar, 8:30 pm, 316 W 2nd St, LA, CA
2. Thurs. 8/21/14, Loud Village at Hollywood Improv, 10 pm, LA, CA
3. Fri. 9/5/14, Secret Garden Show, 2715 Main St, Santa Monica, CA.
4. Wed. 9/10/14, The Meltdown, 8:30 pm, Meltdown Comics, 7522 Sunset Blvd, Los Angeles, CA
5. Mon 9/15/14, The Good Luck Show, 8 pm, Good Luck Bar, 1514 Hillhurst Ave, Los Angeles, CA 90027.
6. Thurs. 9/181/14, 9 pm, Comedy Palace Show, 2112 Hillhurst Ave., Los Angeles, CA
7. Fri. 8/22/14, 9 pm, Whatever Show at Eagle Rock Performing Arts Center, 2225 Colorado Blvd, Los Angeles, CA.
“Thanks for sitting down for an interview with the magazine. In fact, your first ever interview, Hunchback.”
“Please, call me Quasimodo.”
“Okay, no problem, buddy. I mean Quasimodo.”
“So, what’s it like having a hunchback?”
“Didn’t my publicist tell you?”
“Tell me what?”
“That I don’t want to discuss my hunched back during this interview.”
“I didn’t know. Maybe my assistant didn’t say anything. But, really, you won’t talk about your hunchback? It’s kinda your main thing, man.”
“The reason I’m here is to talk about my new children’s book.”
When I was in high school, one of my English teachers, Mrs. McMillan, made our class write our own obituaries–not to be morbid, but so we could put down on paper what we were proud of accomplishing in the past, and what we hoped to accomplish in the future. It’s remarkable, because so much of what I predicted for my life could still come true!
One minor note, because it factors in here or there. At the time of writing, I was a big fan of rap-rock music, which, of course, is music that combines rap and rock ‘n’ roll–bands like Limp Bizkit, Kid Rock, Korn, Papa Roach, etc. It’s not like rap-rock plays a big role in my “obituary,” but it’s worth a brief mention for context. Here it is:
Mrs. McMillan’s 10th Grade English Class – Assignment: My Obituary
Raj Desai, the undisputed all-time king of rap-rock passed away yesterday after a long bout of illness related to kicking too much ass.
Desai was raised in Arlington, TX, now considered a major hotbed of rap-rock. Though not yet a rap-rock icon, even as a child, Desai was talented. In third grade, he won $10 from Keith Castellani for eating a tube of toothpaste and then downing a whole carton of orange juice. Though it had nothing to do with rap-rock, it was still pretty awesome!
— ”It is I, Lucifer. The Devil, as you may know me.”
— ”What? What’re you doing here, bro?”
— ”I have come for your soul.”
— ”Well, I don’t know, bro. I didn’t really know my soul was up for grabs.”
— “‘Up for grabs’ is not necessarily the case. I was looking to make a deal.”
— ”A deal? Why would The Devil want to make a deal with me?”
— ”You have never heard of making a deal with The Devil?
— ”Not ever? It’s a common expression and concept. You have never seen it in a movie even?”
— ”Like, what movie?”
— ”Oh, I don’t know. I did not mean any specific film, but rather the expression of ‘seeing something in a movie’…”
— ”Don’t know that expression, either.”
— ”You have never heard of ‘seen it in a movie’, either?”
— ”Socrates, thank you for taking the time to come over to my place to have dinner. I’m thrilled and honored. When I applied to college and was asked ‘who from history I’d most like to have dinner with?’, I never thought it could come true. But, here we are.”
— ”Yes, your university scientists do good job bring me here to your era. I only just learn English but I happy to discuss with you here. This is first time I leave lab and must get back to scientists soon, for what scientists call investigations?”
— ”I know, so while you help yourself to dinner, let’s get into it. I’m fascinated to know your thoughts on life. Tell me about the nature of humankind.”
— ”What this here?”
— ”It’s a panini.”
— ”You make?”
— ”Yeah, it’s easy. I used a panini maker.”
— ”You have machine? It just make puh-nee-nee?”
This is a public service. Never go on a Palm Cruise. This is a letter I received from Palm Cruise Lines after I wrote them for a refund following an unsatisfactory vacation I had on one of their singles cruises. The cruise was disappointing. Their response even more so. See for yourself why you should avoid Palm Cruises.
Vice-President, Customer Service
Palm Cruise Lines, LLC
P.O. Box 7685
Orlando, FL 32805
December 12, 2013
727 S. Mansfield Ave., #10
Los Angeles, CA 90036
RE: Your Letter Dated November 11, 2013
Dear Mr. Desai,
Thank you for your letter dated November 11, 2013. On behalf of Palm Cruise Lines, I am sorry that you did not enjoy your recent week with us on our “Fiesta Caliente” Caribbean singles cruise. However, I regret to inform you that we cannot refund the cost of your weeklong cruise with us.
In the third grade, my Social Studies teacher Mrs. Wright assigned every student in my class to write our Congressman about problems we see around us. Mrs. Wright wanted us to see “government in action.” This is the letter I received back from my Congressman — Joe Barton.
Congressman Joseph Barton
U.S. House of Representatives
2109 Rayburn Building
Washington, DC 20515
April 8, 1989
5600 Westerway Drive
Arlington, TX 76013
RE: Your Letter Dated March 6, 1989
Dear Mr. Desai,
Thank you for your letter. I enjoyed all the letters from your class members at Dunn Elementary School. Your letter, however, left me a little puzzled. While your classmates wrote about problems ranging from new parks to world hunger, you chose to write about problems that I cannot help you with.
First, I cannot pass a bill to prevent your rampant bedwetting. This is not scientifically possible. Nor can I get you a new speech therapist. You’ll just have to deal with Mrs. Poole for now.
Also, I do not know why your brother says you are gay and then also says Sherri Ragsdale is your girlfriend. Indeed, he is contradicting himself.
Further, I cannot say for sure why your father has started sleeping in the guest room. And, even though your father’s sobbing keeps you up at night, the Surgeon General recommends eight hours of sleep a night for a growing boy like yourself. Try a warm glass of milk. It works for me.
Lastly, if you think your mother is spending too much time with her personal trainer Brett, then maybe you should mention your feelings to your mother. The fact that Brett keeps telling you to “get used to it” is all the more cause for concern.
I hope that helps. If you ever visit Washington, DC, with or without your nuclear family intact, please stop by my office where I can make you an honorary congressman for the day.
I have some upcoming shows in the LA area:
Sunday 11/24/13 - Revolution at Lexington Bar, 9pm, LA, CA
Tuesday 11/26/13 - Hollywood Hostel, 9pm, LA, CA
Saturday 11/30/13 - 12 Shiny Nickel at Westside Comedy Theater, 11pm, Santa Monica, CA
Sunday 12/1/13 - Flapper’s Comedy Club, 8pm, Burbank, CA
Tuesday 12/3/13 - Jon Lovitz Comedy Club, 8pm, Universal City, CA
Saturday 12/14/13 - 12 Shiny Nickel at Westside Comedy Theater, 11pm, Santa Monica, CA
Sunday 12/15/13 - Hollywood Hostel, 9pm, LA, CA
Tuesday 12/17/13 - Jon Lovitz Comedy Club, 8pm, Universal City, CA
The Affordable Care Act (aka “Obamacare”) is now open for enrollment, With that in mind, Steven Fisher, M.D., M.P.H. is here to provide consumers insight into things that Obamacare does not do.
Here is Dr. Fisher’s “5 Things Obamacare Does Not Do.” Be advised that Dr. Fisher was recently divorced.
5 Things Obamacare Does Not Do
1.) Obamacare Does Not Stop Your Wife From Cheating on You
The first thing consumers must know about Obamacare is that it did not prevent my wife from cheating on me. Nope, over 1,000 pages in that bill and not a single clause of it stopped Joanne from sleeping with her personal trainer. A personal trainer I paid for, I should add.
2.) Obamacare Fails to Address What Chad The Personal Trainer Has That I Lack
The President’s law is a failure when it comes to explaining how Chad — the personal trainer my ex-wife had an affair with — is in any way half the man I am. Does Chad have two advanced degrees as I do? Does Chad’s work “literally” save lives? I’ll admit that Chad is in good shape, so is Joanne so shallow as to throw away ten years of marriage just for that?
For any fans I have outside L.A., I will be opening for Anthony Jeselnik on the following dates:
4/26/13 - Minneapolis, MN - 7:30 pm - Varsity Theater
4/26/13 - Minneapolis, MN - 10:30 pm - Varsity Theater
5/4/13 - St. Louis, MO - 8:00 pm - The Pageant
5/30/13 - Dallas, TX - 7:30 pm - House of Blues
5/31/13 - Houston, TX - 7:30 pm - House of Blues
6/1/13 - New Orleans, LA - 7:00 pm - Harrah’s New Orleans
6/1/13 - New Orleans, LA - 9:00 pm - Harrah’s New Orleans
6/6/13 - Vancouver, BC - 7:30 pm - Vogue Theatre
6/7/13 - Portland, OR - 7:30 pm - Aladdin Theater
6/7/13 - Portland, OR - 10:30 pm - Aladdin Theater
6/8/13 - Seattle, WA - 7:30 pm - Neptune Theater
Tickets/More Info available here: Anthony Jeselnk Live
4/27/13 - Hollywood Improv, 10 pm
4/27/13 - Hollywood Improv, Midnight
5/7/13 - UCB Theater, Put Your Hands Together Show, 8 pm
5/9/13 - Cinephile, Santa Monica, CA, 9 pm