THE COLLECTED WORKS OF RAJ DESAI

Monologue Jokes - Jan. 29, 2012 Edition

I submit topical monologue jokes as a freelance writer.  The vast majority do not get sold.  Here’s some I wrote this week.  I post them here and make fun of some of them…I mean, some of these REALLY STINK!*

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LL Cool J will host the Grammys this year.  Personally, I don’t get it.  Why does LL Cool J want to associate himself with something as irrelevant as LL Cool J?  [Are you aware that LL Cool J solves naval crimes in the greater Los Angeles area with the kid from Scent of a Woman?]

Emily Maynard has been confirmed as the new star of ABC’s The Bachelorette, which just goes to show you, that for some reason, that show is still on. 

[Horrendous Newt Gingrich is over weight joke…enjoy it like Gingrich enjoyus peanut M&Ms]  With his win in South Carolina, Newt Gingrich upended the Republican race.  Then, after winning, Gingrich upended the snack table after he found out someone ate all the Vienna sausages.

[Unfunny Dads (not even just regular sense of humor Dads), this is a joke for you…]  The drummer for Journey was arrested for assaulting his girlfriend.  And, who says it’s been decades since Journey has “delivered a hit?”

According to an academic analysis, President Obama’s Tuesday night State of the Union address was written at an 8th grade reading level, which might explain Obama’s new education initiative — “No President Left Behind.”  [Eh, okay, I gues…]

[Hey, did you know that some people have labeled Facebook a waste of time?  Well, this joke is aware of that conceit…] There’s a new Facebook app that will post a status update for you after you die.  Great — now, you can waste your life even after dying. 

[Your average Kim K joke of the week.]  Kim Kardashian donated $50,000 to a group that prevents suicide.  That’s ironic, because whenever I watch her show I feel like shooting myself.

[Do you like jokes that play off Jay Z’s song “99 Problems” and say that his 100^th problem is related to a detail that is in the joke’s set-up?  Well, then, this joke is for you.]  Jay Z’s Manhattan nightclub was shut down due to violating health codes related to storage of food at improper temperatures.  In a million years, who would’ve thought that Jay Z’s 100th problem would be “improper food storage?”

[History zing coming at you…]A Napoleon themed amusement park is being planned in France.  Of course, you won’t have to be very tall to ride the rides.

[Another history zing coming at you…] 2 female Italian porn stars are facing off against each other in a mayoral race.  They’re all set to have a debate that will feature some hot Lincoln on Douglas action. 

[Oh, Desai, this next zing, makes you the first person to joke about China using young laborers…]  Because it is now The Year of the Dragon, an auspicious period of the Chinese calendar, experts predict there will be a 5% increase in newborn Chinese babies this year.  Also, experts predict that in 3 years there will be a 5% increase in the Chinese labor force. 

[I’m telling you, this is the absolute worst joke ever written about Simon Cowell.  No way, no how has there been anything worse.]  Simon Cowell has broken off his engagement.  He said that ultimately his fiancé lacked the “X factor.”

A manhole exploded and shot flames just seconds after a car carrying 78 year-old Joan Rivers drove past it.  “Back to the drawing board,” said The Grim Reaper. 

Seriously, are you aware that LL Cool J solves naval crimes in the greater Los Angeles area with the kid from Scent of a Woman?

 *Disclaimer:  Some of the jokes that suck are related to how fast I have to turn them around.  In other cases, and I’m not trying to brag here, it’s my natural suckiness. 

Monologue Jokes - Jan. 15, 2012 Edition

I submit topical monologue jokes as a freelance writer.  The vast majority do not get sold.  Here’s some I wrote this week.  I post them here and make fun of some of them…I mean, some of these REALLY STINK!*

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[You remember the family sitcom Reba which starred country singer Reba McIntyre?  This zinger sure does!]  To celebrate the 500th episode of The Simpsons, Fox is holding a contest where fans compete to watch all 500 episodes of the show in a row.  Though, it would be a much more difficult contest if they had to sit through just one episode of Reba.  [Reba, feel the STING OF MY ZING!]

[Punchline palindrome comin’ up!]  Bristol Palin says she’s over “the Hollywood thing.”  Luckily for her, Hollywood is over “the Bristol Palin thing.”

[Every week I say no more mediocre Herman Cain jokes.  But, like Michael Corleone: “How can I get out?…when they keep pulling me back in?”]  Herman Cain says he still hasn’t decided who he’s going to endorse in the Republican presidential race.  Though, he said he will make an endorsement in his local wet t-shirt contest. 

[This rewrites the laws of suckiness…it’s that bad!]  Brad Pitt has been using a cane after injuring himself in a skiing accident.  Oh, so that’s why my girlfriend said canes are sexy.

Todd Palin has endorsed Newt Gingrich for President.  The endorsement is expected to boost Gingrich’s support from voters who are named Todd Palin. 

[As far as a Snoop smokes weed joke, this ain’t so bad…]  Snoop Dogg was arrested in Texas over the weekend for having marijuana on his tour bus.  Before the search of the bus, when asked for a warrant, the cops produced Snoop’s latest album.

[Another halfway decent Snoop smokes weed joke:]  Snoop Dogg says that if he met President Obama he would want to discuss the legalization of marijuana.  Weird I thought Snoop would’ve wanted to discuss the European debt crisis.

A California man has started a website to stop people from using the word awesome — oh, whatever.  [“Oh whatever” to this stinky joke…]

[Warning:  This joke makes No Fucking Sense.  I’ll explain after you’ve made the mistake of reading it.]  The 90’s boy band Boyz II Men got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.  Their star is in a section called “Hollywood Walk of Hey Remember Those Guys?”  [You see, in the setup I explicitly state that the relevant entity where Boyz II Men are being honored is the Hollywood Walk of Fame.  Then, in the punchline, I rename that entity.  This is impossible.  For this reason, amongst other, this joke stinks.  Nothing further, Your Honor.]

[Average Joe Biden Joke of the Week]  Joe Biden and his wife Jill saw “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo” at a movie theater in Washington.  Jill Biden said she didn’t like the movie but she was just happy to be somewhere where Joe couldn’t talk. 

Beyonce and Jay Z brought their newborn daughter home this week.  Both the parents and the baby are relaxing in their respective cribs. [Cribs pun?  You like?]

Tim Tebow’s contract requires the Broncos to pay him $250,000 when he wins a playoff game.  Of course, God will pocket 10% of that.

[Feel like it’s been awhile since I mocked Jersey Shore, but the show seems to have waned in popularity…regardless, this next joke, like so many jokes about the show before it, suggests that the cast of the show is not very bright.] In an interview, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino suggested that some aspects of Jersey Shore are faked.  For instance, MTV staged a scene where The Situation and Pauly D held a book club.

Wal-Mart is offering free tax advice at some of its stores.  The first piece of advice they give is to avoid tax advice being given at Wal-Mart.

MySpace may launch a web TV service.  So, in about 2 years, expect Facebook to be dominating web TV.

[3, count them 3, absolutely shitty jokes about Newt Gingrich being heavy.  First of all, as just noted, these jokes suck.  Second, does he really look that bad?  He’s 68.  He looks alright for 68.  Though, alas, given his decline, soon enough, we won’t have Newt Gingrich to kick around anymore…so, enjoy/hate these jokes while you can…]

[Shitty Newt Gingrich is overweight joke #1:]

During a weekend debate, Newt Gingrich told Mitt Romney to cut out the “pious baloney.”  Though, after the debate, Gingrich said he meant to ask Romney to pass him the bologna. 

[Shitty Newt Gingrich is overweight joke #2:]

Newt Gingrich decided not to visit his New Hampshire campaign office after seeing a large group of protesters waiting outside.  Also, Gingrich noticed a Dunkin’ Donuts across the street. 

[Shitty Newt Gingrich is overweight joke #3:]

Ron Paul said he’s nibbling at Mitt Romney’s heels.  Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich was spotted nibbling on peanut M&M’s.

Monologue Jokes - Jan. 8, 2012 Edition

I submit topical monologue jokes as a freelance writer.  The vast majority do not get sold.  Here’s some I wrote this week.  I post them here and make fun of some of them…I mean, some of these REALLY STINK!*

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[Rocking the first Kim K zinger of 2012]  Kim Kardashian reportedly made $60,000 for appearing at a Las Vegas nightclub on New Year’s Eve.  It’s the easiest money she’s ever made besides all the money she’s ever made. 

As a result of endorsing Ron Paul for President, Kelly Clarkson’s album sales spiked because Ron Paul supporters rushed to buy them.  After hearing this, Bell Biv Devoe announced they’re also endorsing Ron Paul.  [Bel Biv Devoe probably never saw this zinger coming, am I right?}

Angelina Jolie has reportedly purchased Brad Pitt a waterfall…which might explain why Brad Pitt was spotted returning a box of chocolates and asking if anyone knew where he could buy a rainbow. 

[Hey, ever notice how Newt Gingrich is kinda chubby?  Well, this joke sure noticed…]  Mitt Romney compared President Obama to Marie Antoinette, saying Obama has a “let them eat cake” attitude.  Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich said he was for “eating cake” long before Obama ever was.

Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly are back together again.  They decided to take another shot after realizing that they are the only people good looking and successful enough to date each other.

Moon Unit Zappa has filed for divorce from her husband, Matchbox 20 guitarist Paul Doucette.  So, remember, address her as Ms. Unit Zappa and not Mrs. Doucette, otherwise, you may sound stupid…

[Alright, I know I said no more bad Herman Cain jokes in a previous post. Well, apparently he won’t go away.  Thus, my hand has been forced to write the following shitty Cain joke…] Herman Cain is launching a 9-9-9 bus tour to rally support for his 9-9-9 tax plan.  Cain is moving fast to prepare for his tour … he’s already hired a ton of groupies.

Jimmy Carter said that if President Obama wants to get re-elected he should avoid controversial issues.  Though, based on history, if President Obama really wants to get re-elected, he should avoid taking advice from Jimmy Carter.  [And, if you want to laugh, you should “avoid” this joke, eh?]

Paris Hilton says that her product lines and stores have amassed $1.3 billion since 2005.  It makes sense, because if there’s one thing you associate with Paris Hilton, it’s business acumen. 

Rick Santorum is receiving positive attention for wearing sweater vests.  After hearing this, Mitt Romney said he is also anti-sleeve even though four years ago he said he was pro-sleeve. 

[Average Biden joke # 1…theme: Biden has a bad personality]  Don Cheadle said President Obama should have acted more “gangster” in his first term.  Cheadle also said that Vice President Biden should have acted less “Biden-like.”

[Average Biden joke #2…theme: Biden is incompetent]  President Obama has put Joe Biden in charge of the Administration’s China policy.  In a related story, President Obama announced that he’s making his China policy a very low priority. 

[Average Biden joke #3…theme: Biden is a child]  Michelle Obama will appear on the January 16th episode of “iCarly”. She said she picked “iCarly” because it’s the favorite show of her daughters … and Joe Biden.

[Well, if you love average Biden jokes of varying lame themes, then this was a great week!  Joe Biden, here’s to you…now make goofball as though you’re one of the 3 stooges…]

NY Times Columnist Tom Friedman & The Romantic Golf Dramedy “Tin Cup”

A NY Times Op/Ed columnist and the 1996 romantic golf dramedy “Tin Cup” — shall the twain ever meet?  YES!

In a stunning event that I haven’t been able to get off my mind since August 2011, New York Times columnist and best-selling author of “The World is Flat” (and other best-sellers) quoted the Kevin Costner film “Tin Cup” in one of his columns.  I have been processing this event for some time and have finally collected some thoughts on this very important matter.

You see, “Tin Cup” (as depicted below) is a movie I’ve a seen a few times.

I am oddly fascinated by the distinct average-ness of this movie.  It’s staggeringly average.  There’s some decent suspense, but the dialogue is pretty preposterous.  The same director/writer did “Bull Durham,” which is a movie I really love.  

In any event, Kevin Costner’s character Roy “Tin Cup” McAvoy is a driving range pro who somehow qualifies for the U.S. Open to face his arch nemesis from his college golf days, played by Don Johnson.  Also, he steals Don Johnson’s girlfriend Rene Russo who is a psychologist who uses talk therapy to “treat” Roy’s case of “the shanks” which is hurting his golf game.  This summary doesn’t do justice to the films preposterous-ness…in a stunning example of this preposterous-ness, there are also like 6-7 guys — who apparently have no jobs or private lives — because all they do is follow Costner around and make “funny” comments about his golfing and love life.  Anyway, the saving grace of the movie is that the ending is actually surprising and interesting.  

Where does Pulitzer-Prize winning journalist and best-selling author Thomas Friedman (as depicted below on NBC’s “Meet The Press”) come in?  

Friedman quoted the movie “Tin Cup” thusly in an August 23, 2011 column entitled “Obama, Tiger, Golf and Politics” about a debt reduction bill:

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“Meanwhile, Mr. President, on a rainy day, rent the movie “Tin Cup.” There is a great scene where Dr. Molly Griswold is trying to help Roy “Tin Cup” McAvoy, the golf pro, rediscover his swing — and himself. She finally tells him: “Roy … don’t try to be cool or smooth or whatever; just be honest and take a risk. And you know what, whatever happens, if you act from the heart,  you can’t make a mistake.”

Full article here: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/24/opinion/friedman-obama-tiger-golf-and-politics.html

Friedman’s website: http://www.thomaslfriedman.com/

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That’s right, Tom Friedman quoted this romantic golf dramedy in his column.  First of all, he recommends that the President “rent” the movie.  I’m pretty sure if the President wants a copy of “Tin Cup” he doesn’t have to make a Blockbuster run.

And, then, Friedman quotes dialogue from the movie.  This means one of two things: 1.) Friedman has the movie memorized and can quote from it by heart (which I bet even Costner and Russo can’t do) or 2.) Friedman got a copy of the movie and scoured it for quotable lines that relate to public policy.  In either scenario, what is up, Friedman?  

By the way, did I mention Friedman has a Ph.D.  

Between his books, column, public talks, policy show appearances, when is Friedman watching “Tin Cup” so often that he is ultra-familiar with its themes and dialogue?  

Lastly, why am I addressing this now or at all?  First of all, because I’m a dummy.  And, second, because I simply have not been able to get it off my mind.  I read Friedman all the time.  I’m a fan.  And, if I had one question to ask him, I wouldn’t ask him about, say, Afghanistan or the Arab Spring…I would ask him to elaborate on his relationship to “Tin Cup.”  

Imagine if during a discussion of the threat of loose nuclear weapons in former Soviet republics…Fareed Zakaria or Tom Brokaw or really anyone quoted, say, “For Love of the Game”…

…Wouldn’t you be curious what a very busy, smart person was doing knowing so much about a relatively forgotten sports romance movie?  Apparently, I sure would.  

So, Tom Friedman, hopefully you’ve got a Google alert on your name and this pops up and you get back to me on it.  But, then again, why would a respected columnist (e.g., Friedman) who writes insightful pieces about foreign affairs bother responding to some dummy (e.g., me) who writes a piece about a respected columnist who writes insightful pieces about foreign affairs and the time said respected columnist quoted “Tin Cup?”

Top 10 List of Things to Rank in Year-End 2011 Top 10 Lists

There are so many things to rank on “Top 10” lists at the end of the year.  If you’re like me, you get so busy ranking things that by time you’re done ranking all the things you want to rank, it’s already a new year!  So, save some time on figuring out the best 10 things to rank in top 10 lists using “My Top 10 List of Things to Rank in Year-End 2011 Top 10 Lists.”

Top 10 List of Things to Rank in Year-End 2011 Top 10 Lists*

*Note: I kinda ran out of ideas after the first 5

1. Movies

2. Books

3. Albums

4. TV Shows

5. Sports Moments

6. Microscopic Organisms

7. Meals of Spaghetti You Had

8. 2011 Year-End Top 10 Lists

9. Episodes of “Night Court” You Saw in 2011

10. Pointless Lists You Composed (I know my #1…HA!)

Monologue Jokes - Dec. 18, 2011 Edition

I submit topical monologue jokes as a freelance writer.  The vast majority do not get sold.  Here’s some I wrote this week.  I post them here and make fun of some of them…I mean, some of these REALLY STINK!*

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Lamar Odom has been traded to the Dallas Mavericks.  It was a three way deal between the Dallas Mavericks, the Los Angeles Lakers, and the E! Network. 

Kris Humphries is upset at Good Morning America after an appearance on the show where they asked him about Kim Kardashian.  Humphries said he didn’t expect those questions — of course, like the rest of us, he thought he was there to discuss the European debt crisis. 

[2 solid Kardashian zings to start out…]

Matt Damon says he tries to avoid appearing shirtless in his movies.  Damon actually has a clause in his film contracts to deal with this issue — it’s called the “Reverse McConaughey Clause.”

[Remember the TV show “MacGyver?  This following piece of crap sure does.]  Richard Dean Anderson, who played the title character on the show MacGyver, was spotted waiting for help after his car broke down.  Everything was fine once AAA brought him a stick of gum and a large brown egg.

[Solid, average Joe Biden fare…]  Barack and Michelle Obama said they don’t allow their daughters to use Facebook.  They said they’d let their daughters use it once they figure out how to block Joe Biden.

[Is it still a stereotype to say cab drivers don’t use deodorant…?  I remember it from a Seinfeld bit.  Either way, the punch line to the joke still believes it’s a stereotype.] A new study says that cab drivers have better than normal memories.  Though, in contrast to the study, a lot of them seem to forget to put on deodorant.

Michelle Bachmann is using the phrase “Newt Romney” to attack Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich on the campaign trail.  Meanwhile, “Herman Pawlenty” is busy updating his resume.

The show Fear Factor received high ratings in its return to TV.  This is good news for both NBC and the edible horse rectum industry.

George Stephanopoulus is replacing Christiane Amanpour as host of the ABC public affairs show This Week.  The show’s format will stay the same right down to the difficulty of spelling the host’s last name.

Karen O, the lead singer of the band Yeah Yeah Yeahs, recently got married.  It was incredibly romantic when her husband and her looked deep into each others’ eyes and said “I do, do, do.”  [Yes, this joke sure did suck, suck, suck!]

At the Republican debate on Saturday, Mitt Romney outlined the differences between him and Newt Gingrich.  For instance, Romney said that he shops at Brooks Brothers whereas Gingrich shops at Rochester Big & Tall. [This joke is supposed to suggest that Newt Gingrich is heavy so has to shop at Rochester Big & Tall.  But, what this joke actually suggests is that I wrote a horrible joke.]

[Last week I said I’d do one morebad Herman Cain joke for old time’s sake.  Well, how about yet another bad Herman Cain joke for old time’s sake…at least, it’s not about pizza…]  Fox News is rumored to be offering Herman Cain his own show.  It’s not a news show — it’s a show where Cain gives advice on how to pick up women.

Michelle Bachmann promised to visit every county in Iowa.  Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich promised to visit every Cinnabon in Iowa.

The National Transportation Safety Board is calling for a ban on the use of cell phones while driving.  It should work, because if there’s one thing people are good at, it’s not using cell phones at inappropriate times. 

Michelle Obama said that 2 of her husband’s favorite TV shows are Homeland on Showtime and Boardwalk Empire on HBO.  And, the President’s least favorite show is the soon to be released Fox News sitcom Everybody Hates Barack.  [This joke about a fake TV show sucks so bad, that the joke should be called “According to this Shitty Joke” or “Caroline in the Shitty Joke” or “Dharma & This Shitty Joke.”]

[Does this suck?  I can’t tell for sure.]  Justin Bieber was pulled over for making an unsafe left turn at an L.A. intersection.  Though, of course, the cop let Bieber go just because he’s a pretty girl. 

The film The Notebook is being adapted into a Broadway musical.  In a related story, your girlfriend “totally wants to see it.” 

Miley Cyrus is denying reports that she got a boob job.  Funny, I always thought it was Wyoming that had the Grand Tetons, not Hannah Montana.  [National Park/Disney kids show wordplay!]

Jay Z and Beyonce are maintaining a “partially vegan diet.”  Or, as the diet is also known — a regular diet.

Monologue Jokes - Dec. 11, 2011 Edition

I submit topical monologue jokes as a freelance writer.  The vast majority do not get sold.  Here’s some I wrote this week.  I post them here and make fun of some of them…I mean, some of these REALLY STINK!*

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Due to the end of the NBA lockout, the Obama campaign has cancelled a fundraising event that would’ve featured NBA players in a pickup basketball game.  The replacement event is expected to raise far less money, since it will just feature Joe Biden shooting free throws. 

It’s been revealed that Mitt Romney’s favorite type of milk is chocolate milk.  Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich said his favorite type of milk is the kind that is converted into mozzarella cheese, breaded, and then deep fried and dipped in marinara sauce.

Mitt Romney’s wife said that one of his vices is chocolate milk.  Well, one thing’s for sure — if Romney wins, his victory party is gonna get crazy!

Former supermodel Christie Brinkley is in trouble with the IRS after the agency placed a half million dollar tax lien on her.  And, if you think hot women have an easy time getting out of speeding tickets, then just wait until you see Brinkley run circles around the nerds from the IRS.

[If you can’t see this punchline coming after reading the set-up, then visit your optometrist.]  Herman Cain quoted a Pokemon movie during the speech where he suspended his campaign.  And to think…now we’ll never get to hear his inaugural address where he quotes the Power Rangers.

[One last time, for old time’s sake…a lame Herman Cain pizza joke…]  The remaining Republican presidential candidates are now competing for Herman Cain’s supporters.  Newt Gingrich seems to have the best chance now that he’s offering a new tax plan and also two medium two-topping pizzas for $4.99 each. 

A 9 year-old student in Boston was suspended for sexual harassment after he called a teacher “cute.”  Even worse for the kid, he’s now had to drop out of the race for hall monitor. 

Mitt Romney said he’s going to start making his closing argument to Republican voters.  Though, beware Republican voters, because that closing argument is gonna change a few times.

Matt Lauer has reportedly indicated that he will leave the Today show in April.  He said he wants to spend more time with his fake enthusiasm. 

A top aide to President Obama said that Mitt Romney belongs to the “martini party” and not the Tea Party.  Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich said he belongs to the “dessert party.”

Newt Gingrich praised Bill Clinton for working with Republicans in the 90’s.  Gingrich fondly remembered the cooperative days when both he and Clinton put aside their differences and cheated on their wives.  [Take that, you loutish lotharios…with a side of alliteration!]

[Watch as I drag 3 of the finest minds in the history of western civilization into this crappy joke …]  Socrates, a legendary Brazilian soccer star, has died.  His eulogy will be delivered by his 2 best friends — Plato, a legendary real estate attorney, and Aristotle, a legendary air-conditioning repairman.  [It would take at least 3 of the greatest minds that ever lived to figure out just how much this joke SUCKS!]

It’s been reported that the creator of Star Trek originally wanted Spock to be cast as a female.  Also, instead of the “Vulcan neck pinch” Spock originally just used “the silent treatment.”

Tom Cruise’s reps are denying a report that people in Mumbai, India were paid to act like they were excited to see him.  However, Cruise’s reps have not denied a similar report about Katie Holmes.

Newt Gingrich said that if he’s the Republican nominee he will follow President Obama around the country and respond to all his speeches.  Also, Gingrich said he also plans to grab Obama arms, slap Obama with his own hands, and say “stop hitting yourself.”

Jon Kerry said that Mitt Romney frequently changes his positions on issues.  For Kerry to say that about Romney…that’s like Beethoven complimenting Mozart.  [Hey, this joke sucks in the Key of D Major!]

Larry King says he wants to be cryogenically frozen when he dies.  For his sake, let’s hope that whenever he’s brought back to life, suspenders are in.  [Hey, at least I didn’t mock him for being old…went the suspenders route…]

[Hallelujah.  The European Union has been saved!…mostly because Germany pushed through a deal.

“THE GERMAN SAVE & UNITE EUROPE” — not often a headline in world history.   Though, the British government was not happy with the deal as depicted in this obviously poignant headline:

Good news or bad news, it is big news.  I mean, if the continent where 2 world wars that nearly tore the entire globe apart couldn’t find a way to work together, then what hope is there for the rest of the continents?

And, President Obama sent Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner to Brussels to help strike a deal.  I bring up Tim Geithner, not b/c I have anything particular fascinating to say about his Brussels trip…but, I’ve always thought he kinda looks like Tim Daly from “Wings” and more recently “Private Practice.” 

These “Tim-el-gangers” are practically interchangeable, no?  Eh, kinda.

Tim Geithner:

vs. Tim Daly (Daly is on the far left of the below photo):

But, I don’t have to tell you about Mr. Tim Daly or the show “Wings”…like all people who are worth anything you must know everything there is to know about both.

Incidentally, if you wanna see “Wings” your one stop shop for the last 15 years or so has been the USA Network, which I believe uses the motto:  Characters Welcome and So Are re-runs of “Wings.”]

 *Disclaimer:  Some of the jokes that suck are related to how fast I have to turn them around.  In other cases, and I’m not trying to brag here, it’s my natural suckiness. 

Monologue Jokes - Dec. 4, 2011 Edition

I submit topical monologue jokes as a freelance writer.  The vast majority do not get sold.  Here’s some I wrote this week.  I post them here and make fun of some of them…I mean, some of these REALLY STINK!*

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Paris Hilton bought a $300,000 Ferrari on Black Friday.  It just goes to show you that hard work and being a classy person doesn’t really count for anything.

Sylvester Stallone is reportedly developing a Rocky musical.  Even though it’s not out yet, critics have already hailed it as “the Rocky of musicals.”  [Float like a Desai, ZING like a me!]

Kris Humphries has received a $150,000 endorsement deal from a watch company.  Not only is it a nice sum of money for Humphries, but, with his new watch, he’ll know exactly when his 15 minutes are up.  [I really hope this idiot is out of the news soon…on the other hand, maybe I’ll miss this dummy.]

[If you love Taylor Swift and semi-colons, you’ll love this joke!]  Taylor Swift won Artist of the Year at the American Music Awards.  For their loyalty, she thanked her fans; for their support, she thanked her family; and, for her music, she thanked her ex-boyfriends.   [Sadly, this joke proves that an as adult man I pay attention to Swift’s lyrics.  What, I got feelings, too…I’m not chopped liver over here…]

Newt Gingrich has started a website to respond to criticisms of him.  Experts say the website will soon become the longest website on the internet.

Bruce Springsteen announced that he’ll release a new record in 2012.  Spoiler alert:  the might mention driving, hard times, or New Jersey.  [I love the Boss.  Trust me, this zing is served up with a lot of love.]

President Obama pardoned a turkey on Thanksgiving.  That’s right — he’s pardoning the Super Congress.  [Please “pardon” me for having written this “turkey” of a joke.  And, by “turkey,” I mean “huge of piece of shit.”]

[This joke is guaranteed to BARELY MAKE SENSE!!!]  NASA has launched a Mars rover which is the size of a monster truck.  The rover was launched from Florida on Saturday, though it was originally set to be launched on Sunday, Sunday, Sunday.  [You see, just b/c NASA launched a monster truck size rover, it doesn’t mean it actually launched a monster truck…that is where me, being an idiot, screwed up here.]

Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston almost ran into each other at an L.A. movie theater.  Thank God they didn’t — otherwise US Weekly and People magazine would have exploded from trying to process it.

Rapper Lil Boosie has been sentenced to 8 years in prison.  His family was shocked, especially his father — Lil Boosie, Sr.

[Are you looking for a lame joke than will single-handedly ruin your enthusiasm for the recent Christopher Nolan “Batman” movies?  Well, then this is the joke for you!]  Christian Bale says he is done playing Batman after the release of the The Dark Knight Rises.  It’s probably a good thing — with Bale getting older, the next Batman movie was tentatively called If the Dark Knight Rises for More Than 4 Hours Have Him Call His Doctor.  [This piece of garbage combined this awesome movie series with an erectile dysfunction reference…for shame, Desai…]

[As they ask in the “Full House” theme song, “Whatever happened to predictability?:  Well, it wound up in this oh so predictable punch line.]  American Airlines has filed for bankruptcy.  And, now that it’s out of money, the airline can truly claim that is “American.”

[Back on the attack, zinging Kim K!]  Kim Kardashian said that maybe she shouldn’t have kids.  On the other hand, she shouldn’t be famous, either, and that worked out pretty well for her.

Pippa Middleton has received a $600,000 advance to write a book on party planning.  The first step she recommends for throwing a great party?  Have $600,000 you can access for throwing a great party.

The search engine Bing said its most searched news story of 2011 was the Casey Anthony trial.  Meanwhile, the Supreme Court continues to hear cases.

[Remember the movie “Kazam” wherein Shaq played a rapping genie?  Well, this joke sure does!]  Shaquille O’Neal said President Obama is doing “a fabulous job.”  Well, that’s good news for the President — now Obama’s got a lock on the “7-foot NBA center who once played a rapping genie in a movie” vote.

The son of Sean “Puffy” Combs has signed on to play football at UCLA.  He said he’s gonna stay in the background and take credit for all the other players’ work. 

[Oh, man, get a load of this one!  It suggests that John McCain is old…yes, that’s right, this one is that “out there.”  Seriously, prepare yourself for this groundbreaking joke angle on former GOP Presidential nominee and sitting U.S. Senator John McCain.]  John McCain was forced to apologize for insulting Long Island on the Senate floor.  Though, in McCain’s defense, he probably never meant the insult since he’s been visiting Long Island for over 200 years.  [What am I gonna do next?  Suggest that he uses Viagra?  Stop it, Desai…YOU’RE TOO MUCH!]

[NBA Season returns trilogy:]

The NBA season will start on Christmas Day.  And, to commemorate the event, Santa will be tatted up this year.  [Lotta tattoos in the NBA, no?]

The NBA season will play 66 games instead of the usual 82 games.  So, now the NBA season will only feel interminable instead of incredibly interminable. 

President Obama said the deal struck to save the NBA season is “good.”  Then the President asked the NBA and its players’ union if they wanted to try to make a deal to cut $1.2 trillion from the federal budget.

[I had taken a few weeks off from the zinger game.  Had a little vacation.  But, it’s nice to be back.  Glad to see this hit from the 90’s has been re-mixed and is back on the charts:

No, not Chumbawamba (though, yes, this appears to be a Japanese release of the band’s hit single “Tubthumper”…I’m talking about this his from the 90’s (though, technically Gingrich did “get knocked down” and then did “get up again.”) :

The former Speaker will make for some good zinging — his fatness, past lobbying, multiple wives, admitted affairs, borderline corruptness, Lego figure hair, much younger wife w/ a weird stepford quality, self-aggrandizing, and huge ego should prove a bounty for humor.  Did I mention he’s chubby.  Oh, got that.]

*Disclaimer:  Some of the jokes that suck are related to how fast I have to turn them around.  In other cases, and I’m not trying to brag here, it’s my natural suckiness. 

Monologue Jokes - Nov. 6, 2011 Edition

I submit topical monologue jokes as a freelance writer.  The vast majority do not get sold.  Here’s some I wrote this week.  I post them here and make fun of some of them…I mean, some of these REALLY STINK!*

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Due to an accounting error, the German government discovered that it has an extra $78 billion.  Of course, the German officials found the extra $78 billion right before they washed the country’s jeans.

President Obama mocked Congress for passing a bill re-affirming “In God We Trust Us” as the national motto instead of passing a jobs bill.  Though, Obama probably wouldn’t be so critical if he knew that even God is looking for a job right now.

Google is dealing with numerous complaints about its new design for Gmail.  Apparently, Google messed up when it changed the name from “Gmail” to “Netflix.”

[Were you looking for a crappy joke that combined the NBA lockout w/ reduced chances by Obama to be re-elected?  Well, look no further, b/c this is that perfect piece of crap…]  President Obama said he’s “concerned” that the NBA could be gone for a whole year.  Though, Obama should probably be more concerned that he could be gone in a year.

[Never forget that John McCain is old, right guys?]  John McCain’s daughter Megan has signed on to MSNBC as a contributor.  Meanwhile, John McCain has signed on to Levitra as a customer.  [I just “signed on” to regret having written this piece of unadulterated garbage.]

The University of Chicago held a conference on Jersey Shore.  It’s all a part of the school’s plan to lose its accreditation as a university.

For Halloween, President Obama handed out candy at The White House to an invited group of children.  Or, as Republicans put it — the President gave more government handouts to the unemployed.

[A stunning example of just how crappy a joke about Rick Perry’s hair can get:]  Rick Perry has been accused of being drunk during a bizarre speech he gave in New Hampshire.  Perry denied being drunk and said that it was probably just the fumes from his hairspray.

Apple is developing a solar farm in North Carolina.  And, of course, as part of the project, Apple is also developing a new version of the Sun.

[Absolutely preposterous punchline and an absolutely terrible joke.  You WILL be wowed by the awfulness of it…]  The producers of The View want to host a daytime presidential debate next fall.  Apparently, the show also wants to add a weekly segment where Mitt Romney comes on to discuss hair tips.  [I hate to be an “I told you so,” but I told you that joke sucked.]

Forbes magazine ranked President Obama as the world’s most powerful person.  Meanwhile, Forbes ranked Mitt Romney as the world’s most powerful robot.

A poll revealed that Bank of America customers are more likely to leave their bank than any other big bank.  The poll results would have been even more severe, but Bank of America charged a fee to its customers that participated.

[Look at this awful, awful, terrible, terrible, horrible, horrible Herman Cain/pizza joke.]  Herman Cain said he’ll install a pizza kitchen in the The White House if he becomes President.  Then Cain announced that under his administration, public enemy number one will be “The Noid.”  [More like, AVOID THIS JOKE!]

[And, the halfway decent Kardashian joke of the week goes to…]  In lieu of giving back the wedding gifts she received, Kim Kardashian said she’ll donate $200,000 to charity.  She donating the money to some charity called “The Kardashian Family Trust.”

Well Fargo is opening a special bank for people with over $50 million.  But, watch out, the bank says it might initiate a $50 million debit card fee.

A tooth that may have belonged to John Lennon sold for over $31,000.  So, remember, if you’re struggling in this economy, an easy way to pick up some spare cash is to get a hold of a tooth that may have belonged to John Lennon.

A new poll says that despite his recent troubles, Herman Cain hasn’t lost any ground.  You could tell Cain was excited by the news because he tried to invite the poll results back to his place.  [Wait, does this joke suck?]

An aide to President Obama said that Mitt Romney has “no core” due to his flip-flopping.  To which Mitt Romney replied, “I used to be against having a core but now I’m for it.”

 [Guys the big news this week was of course these 2 people:

trying to prevent the break-up of these 2 idiots:

Er, I mean, these 17 countries:

That’s right, the breakup of those 2 idiots overshadowed the European fiscal crisis.  BTW, did anyone know that the EU has a flag?  Stars on a flag?…so strange….must be one of those weirdo European things.]

*Disclaimer:  Some of the jokes that suck are related to how fast I have to turn them around.  In other cases, and I’m not trying to brag here, it’s my natural suckiness.  

Monologue Jokes - Oct. 31, 2011 Edition

I submit topical monologue jokes as a freelance writer.  The vast majority do not get sold.  Here’s some I wrote this week.  I post them here and make fun of some of them…I mean, some of these REALLY STINK!*

_____________________________________________________________________

Google is reportedly considering a bid to buy Yahoo.  Experts say that by owning Yahoo, Google will reduce its competition by zero.

After shaking hands with President Obama in Los Angeles, a 10 year-old boy said he’s never going to wash his hand again.  Obviously, Obama is a big inspiration to the boy, because the boy is already making a promise he won’t keep. 

Muammar Qaddafi’s body has reportedly been buried in a secret location.  And, now, the long oppressed Libyan earthworms will exact their revenge…

President Obama said that he keeps a list of his 2008 campaign promises.  Unfortunately, he’s been storing the list in the Oval Office garbage can.

[WARNING:  Terrible computer “apps” joke ahead that’s combined with a terrible Lewinsky premise…2 for 1 terribleness!] According to a new book, Bill Clinton consulted with Steve Jobs on how to handle the Lewinsky scandal.  Unfortunately for Clinton at that time, there was not an “app” for that.  [Seriously, Lewinsky?]

[The shittiest joke of the week!  It’s lame, has a pun, is tacky, is kinda mean and kinda, sorta is hard to get…this piece of garbage HAS IT ALL…when it comes to sucking!]  Madonna’s older brother says he’s been homeless for a year.  He’s also asked that he now be referred to as “The Immaterial Boy.”  [Told you it sucked!}

While appearing on The Tonight Show, President Obama said that Hilary Clinton will not replace Joe Biden as Vice-President in 2012.  Then, out of habit, Leno asked if he could replace Biden.

Rick Perry may not participate in all of the remaining Republican debates.  Though, no one will notice since he’s barely participated in the debates so far.

[A semi-decent Denny’s slam!]  A new report says that more than 50% of all Americans say they didn’t eat at a restaurant in 2010.  Though, the same report says that 90% of American did eat at Denny’s.  [Feel the “Sting of My Zing,” Denny’s!]

[Your Kardasian joke of the week…not bad…not about Kim’s butt, either…]  For her 31st birthday, Kim Kardashian celebrated in New York on Friday night and Las Vegas on Saturday.  Wow.  She’s gonna be really tired on Monday when she has to go back to work…oh, wait…

[Is this any good?  Can’t tell…]  Ryan Gosling says he “thinks like a girl.”  Well, if he’s like every girl I know, then he’s got a huge crush on himself. 

Kris Humphries and Vinnie from Jersey Shore recently hung out together in New York.  It was described as a meeting of whatever is the opposite of minds.

[You heard the McRib came back, didn’t you?  Well, did you hear a series of crappy McRib jokes, too?  Oh, you did…well sit through this crappy McRib joke…]  The McRib is making a comeback at all U.S. McDonald’s locations until November 14th.  And, who says Obama hasn’t got anything done?   [Did I really have to drag the President into this crappy McRib referen?]

The CEO of Bank of America said he’s “incensed” that people don’t know how much good the bank does.  Then he added that the bank will now be charging a fee for doing good.

[Let’s end w/ 2 semi-decent Biden zingers…]

First Lady Michelle Obama said that she likes to listen to Beyonce when working out.  Then she added that she likes to listen to Joe Biden when she’s trying to fall asleep.

While appearing on The Tonight Show, President Obama made fun of his wife for giving out fruit on Halloween last year.  In The First Lady’s defense, at least she didn’t ruin The White House Halloween as badly as Joe Biden…who showed up dressed as “Slutty Joe Biden.”

*Disclaimer:  Some of the jokes that suck are related to how fast I have to turn them around.  In other cases, and I’m not trying to brag here, it’s my natural suckiness.