Monologue Jokes - Sep. 10, 2011 Edition
I submit topical monologue jokes as a freelance writer. The vast majority do not get sold. Here’s some I wrote this week. I post them here and make fun of some of them…I mean, some of these REALLY STINK!*
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President Obama called Rick Perry to express his concern over the Texas wildfires. Though, it got a little awkward when the President brought up anything that Perry has said about him.
Linda McMahon, the ex-CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment, is expected to run for a Senate seat in Connecticut. If things go as she plans, she’ll raise a ton of campaign money from the folding chair industry.
[This one uh-SUCKS!…go to the end to find out why!] Sarah Palin finished second place in a half-marathon in Iowa. She handled it like a pro. After all, it wasn’t the first time she came in second place during a run. [Ok, so here’s why this sucks. This joke is purportedly funny b/c it references that Palin lost the 2008 presidential election and came in “second” place to Obama/Biden and then uses the word “run” to mean both electoral race and a foot race…after you have been forced to make these 2 useless, far-fetched logical leaps, the only reasonable conclusion is that THIS JOKE SUCKS!]
[Another classic average Biden joke…isn’t that what life is all about?] At a speech in Detroit on Monday, President Obama said that “the time for Washington games is over.” And immediately after, he looked at Joe Biden and told him to put away his Gameboy.
[The crappiness of this joke will shake you to your core.] Michelle Bachmann’s campaign manager has resigned due to health reasons. Apparently, he got sick from Rick Perry fever.
[I like this one; you may not.] The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have given their players iPads instead of a playbook…which explains why the team voted “the outlet” as its most valuable player.
[And the 2011 Joke Award for “Most Shitty Phrasing” goes to:] Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes are reportedly dating. Makes sense. They have a lot in common — like the symmetry of their faces. [The sad part about this joke sucking is that it had potential. What I meant to say is “they have a lot in common — like having symmetrical faces” which implies they got together b/c they’re simply both good looking. Not awful. Instead, what I did with my shitty phrasing is I implied Gosling’s face is symmetrical to Mendes’s face. This MAKES NO GODDAMN SENSE, as they are 2 separate people with faces that are, while attractive, different.]
The Postmaster General said that the U.S. postal service can be saved from insolvency. Then he announced a new plan for a combined Pizza Hut/Taco Bell/U.S. Post Office.
[Remember the 90’s and early 2000’s when Celine Dion was a punching bag and a reference for things that suck? Well, relive that era right NOW!] A man broke into Celine Dion’s Montreal mansion, ate pastries, and then tried to take a bath. Even stranger, the man said he was a fan of Celine Dion. [Dion, FEEL THE STING OF DESAI’S ZING!]
[You know you want it!…The Shitty Kardashian Joke of the Week!] In an appearance on Letterman, Kim Kardashian said her family is like “the Brady Bunch on crack.” Though the family doctor said that Kardashians are more like “the Brady Bunch with herpes.”
President Obama honored Jimmie Johnson and 7 other NASCAR drivers at The White House. Obama said he could relate to them because he knows how it feels to drive in circles and get nowhere.
At the Republican presidential debate, Rick Perry said that President Obama has proven “that government spending will not create one job.” Though, technically, Obama appears to be creating Perry’s next job.
Soulja Boy apologized to the U.S. Military after a video appeared online of him rapping with an anti-U.S. troop message. He went so far as to say that due to his hurtful words, he’s taken a demotion and he’d now like to be known as “National Guard Boy.” [Now, let’s hope this joke is “dishonorably discharged” from your memory.]
[What happens here is what is quickly becoming a Desai specialty. Again, as I have done in the past, I have written a joke that at first seems like it’s decent, but in reality sucks. It’s deceptively sucky, if you will…] Rapper The Game said he was kicked out of a famous L.A. restaurant because he is black. When asked for comment, a spokesman for the restaurant said “We don’t hate the player, we hate The Game.” [You see how the punch line uses the common cliché “don’t hate the player…” and then it is supposed to be funny b/c when I say “the game,” I mean both the cliché sense of it and the rapper “The Game?” Well, here’s how this joke earns a permanent seat on the UN Suckiness Council…this guy is a rapper, not an athlete. You see if the guy the joke references were an athlete named The Game, then he would also be a “player.” But, here, that is not the case. Also, perhaps more glaringly nonsensical, what restaurant has a spokesman?]
Mitt Romney unveiled a 59 point jobs plan. Actually, the first 10 points are about jobs and the remaining 49 points are about how he gets his hair to look like that.
University of Massachusetts set a record for the world’s largest stir fry. It also set a record for the most useless thing done on a college campus since someone earned a philosophy degree. [Yeah, you know how horrible philosophy majors are…you know, those people interested in learning for the sake of learning and the pursuit of understanding human nature. Well, those pieces of garbage are still reeling from THE STING OF MY ZING!]
In a shocking new memoir by Kate Hudson’s dad, he says her daughter has “done stuff which is just awful.” How is that shocking? I mean, we’ve seen her movies. [My apologies to fans of “Raising Helen,” “Something Borrowed,” et al.]
President Obama is expected to propose a $300 billion jobs package on Thursday night. Though, it still looks like the President doesn’t know what he’s doing because he’s ordering the package from Amazon. [Eh, okay]
[The crappiness of this joke will also shake you to your core.] Aretha Franklin performed at a Labor Day event with President Obama. She performed a special song for President Obama – “No R-e-s-p-e-c-t.” [This joke deserves no r-e-s-p-e-c-t.]
[The fates have forced my hand and made me write countless Bieber jokes. This one, I believe, is semi-respectable.] Justin Bieber did a crossover move and dribbled around two-time NBA MVP Steve Nash during a pick-up game. Sing, dance, play basketball? Is there anything Bieber can’t do? Oh yeah, grow a beard.
[I apologize to those of you who expected a “Jersey Shore” zinger. That comes as a shock to me, but I hope you’ll accept my condolences. Though, don’t fear, soon enough Snooks, Pauly D, The Sitch and the rest of them will feel THE STING OF MY ZING!]
*Disclaimer: Some of the jokes that suck are related to how fast I have to turn them around. In other cases, and I’m not trying to brag here, it’s my natural suckiness.
