Monologue Jokes - Sep. 18, 2011 Edition
I submit topical monologue jokes as a freelance writer. The vast majority do not get sold. Here’s some I wrote this week. I post them here and make fun of some of them…I mean, some of these REALLY STINK!*
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3 TSA officers in Connecticut were arrested on drug charges. In their defense, they were trying to raise money to buy a bottle of water at the airport.
Thirty-one million people tuned in Thursday night to watch President Obama’s jobs speech. Or, as the rest of America called the speech — “when is the football game gonna be on?”
When asked about Rick Perry and Mitt Romney’s political chances, President Obama said they are both “credible” candidates. Though, when asked the same thing about Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul, Obama didn’t give an answer because he was too busy laughing.
[2 Things about this joke: 1) It is HORRIBLE and 2) It suggests that jelly donuts can talk…yes, that’s right…I wrote a joke where jelly donuts speak English.] Today is “National Cream-Filled Donut Day.” Or, as jelly-filled donuts put it … “who cares.”
Dick Cheney appeared on The View to promote his new memoir. Finally, it was his turn to experience torture.
[The WAY-TO-OLD-REFERENCE-O-METER IS EXPLODING! Remember when George W. Bush injured himself eating a pretzel? Well, this horrible, crappy joke sure does…] George W. Bush said the most nerve-inducing moment of his Presidency was when he threw the opening pitch in game 3 of the 2001 World Series. It wasn’t throwing the pitch that made him anxious — it was that he knew he’d be eating a pretzel after.
[WARNING: This joke may contain a reference to Viagra…anyone with a good sense of humor is advised to avoid this joke.] A new study says that middle-age men who are heart healthy also have better sex lives. This probably explains why Viagra is now sold with a box of fiber cereal. [This one is just plain embarrassing to have written.]
IBM’s Watson computer which competed on Jeopardy will now be used by a health insurance company to help diagnose medical problems. So far, it’s diagnosed all its patients with an “HTTP 404 Not Found” error.
Lamborghini introduced a new sports car that is the most expensive car in the world at a price tag of $4.7 million. It’s already been purchased by the man who holds the world’s record for smallest penis.
The most frequently used word by President Obama during his Thursday night speech to Congress was “jobs”— as in, “American people, please let me and my staff keep our jobs.”
NASA announced it has found a planet that orbits two suns. A NASA spokesman then congratulated the planet for getting some sweet three-way action. [This joke makes no sense in any part of the universe. Only an alien who is stupid and has no taste and lives on a planet where things that aren’t funny are funny would possibly find this dumb, nonsense joke funny.]
[In my humble opinion…SHITTIEST JOKE OF THE WEEK.] 69 year-old Paul McCartney is getting married for the 3rd time this weekend. And, like anyone getting married, he’s trying to decide between a D.J. or a band — or himself. [Seriously, how shitty is this joke? I, apparently, thought it is funny that since Paul McCartney is a musician, well, then he could play music at his own wedding instead of another band or a DJ…that was the apparent “zinger” aspect of this joke. What in the hell in funny about that? Please contact me if you any idea, and, then afterwards, please try to remove this joke from your memory.]
Four cast members of The Real Housewives of New York have been let go from the show. But, don’t worry — they’ve all got highly marketable skills like yelling and talking behind people’s backs.
[And, if things weren’t bad enough, here’s a Lohan joke…and it is not a respectable one…] Lindsay Lohan nearly stole the show when she appeared in the front row of a New York Fashion Week event. After that, she nearly stole the jewelry the models were wearing.
An exhibition featuring paintings by Bob Dylan is opening in New York this month. We got an advance look at them…and you thought you had trouble understanding his lyrics? [NAILIN’ IT, Desai! Oh man, you gotta be the first person on Earth, whether in a comedic or serious light, to suggest that Bob Dylan sometimes is difficult to understand when he sings…where do you get this original point of view?]
[And your “Jersey Shore” joke of the week…this one is respectable…] The Situation expressed remorse for parking his Ferrari in a handicapped spot. Also expressing remorse … a world in which The Situation makes so much money that he drives a Ferrari.
A new report says that babies get fewer diaper changes when the economy is struggling. Even worse — the same goes for Grandpa. [Oh man, old people sometimes wear diapers…Desai, you have pointed this out in a comedic fashion, you incorrigible rascal!]
[It was a light Kardashian week…I expect big things from those enormous idiots in the weeks to come.]
*Disclaimer: Some of the jokes that suck are related to how fast I have to turn them around. In other cases, and I’m not trying to brag here, it’s my natural suckiness.
