Monologue Jokes - Sep. 25, 2011 Edition
I submit topical monologue jokes as a freelance writer. The vast majority do not get sold. Here’s some I wrote this week. I post them here and make fun of some of them…I mean, some of these REALLY STINK!*
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The Roast of Charlie Sheen set a record for highest rated roast on Comedy Central. It also set a record for the most references to hookers and cocaine. [Guess what? This joke itself references hookers and cocaine…KABOOM!]
Jesse Jackson has been accused of sexual harassment and discrimination by an ex-employee. The accusations are so serious that Jesse Jackson is demonstrating against himself.
[By my count, this is the 6,789,453rd joke about Jimmy Carter being a one-term President and how subsequent Presidents should avoid emulating his solo term.] Former President Jimmy Carter said he doesn’t think anyone can beat President Obama in 2012. Just what Obama needs to feel good about his re-election chances … the endorsement of Jimmy Carter.
Rush Limbaugh accused President Obama of plagiarizing him during his speech at the UN on Wednesday. Looks like Limbaugh has a strong case — after all, Obama spent his entire speech calling himself a socialist.
President Obama is proposing a “Millionaire’s Tax.” Those willing to support the tax hike include $999,999-aires. [I actually like this one, despite the semi-predictability and the close relation to the “9,999 Maniacs jokes” made about the band 10,000 Maniacs like 15 years ago. A little number humor ain’t so bad, right?]
Actress Evan Rachel Wood says she liked making out with Ryan Gosling in a scene for an upcoming movie. She also added that she likes food, water, and oxygen.
A new report says that the U.S. has the highest youth unemployment rate since World War II. Though, on the bright side, the U.S. has the highest James Franco employment rate in history.
[Remember that movie “The Blair Witch Project?” Well, this semi-decent joke is no stranger to it:] The makers of the Blair Witch Project say they might make another sequel to the movie. In this one, the cast is out in the woods looking for a paycheck.
[This joke redefines the concept of “terrible” for so many reasons.] Today Show reporter Natalie Morales adopted a dog that appeared during a pet adoption segment on the show. Meanwhile, Al Roker adopted some hot dogs that appeared during a cooking segment on the show. [We know the punch line isn’t funny, but, in addition, the credibility of this “punch line” is suspect for many reasons. First of all, how can Al Roker (or anyone for that matter) adopt a hot dog? Hate to break it to you, Desai, but you can’t adopt meat products. Further, “adopt[ing]” is not the same thing as eating. Second, Al Roker is pretty thin now and known for having had a gastric bypass which suppresses appetite. Lastly, when do morning shows do cooking segments on hot dogs? For the above enumerated reasons, this joke REALLY SUCKS!]
The largest sperm bank in the world is turning down samples from redheads. Now, how is Carrot Top gonna make a living? [I should be banned from donating sperm after being responsible for having written this colossal piece of garbage.]
[You can fight it, but you know you want it…a sweet, sweet “MySpace is now out of favor” joke…enjoy!] Facebook has a new profile look. But, if want to keep your old profile look, you can got a website and register there — that website is MySpace dotcom.
[When was the last time you saw someone combine a mediocre Schwarzenegger joke w/ a mediocre Snooki joke…Point, Desai!] Arnold Schwarzenegger is writing an autobiography. You may not think he’d be a good writer, but remember — Snooki is a novelist.
[Desai getting political up in here!…and, also unfunny!] A new study says that quitting smoking may help improve your memory. That may be why it looks like Obama finally remembered where he put his balls.
Bruce Springsteen turns 62 today. That probably explains why he changed his song “Born to Run” to “Born to Stroll and Go Easy on the Knees”. [As a huge Boss-head, I had to try to write a joke about his birthday. However, the joke did not turn out so well. Unlike the style Springsteen began to incorporate on “Darkness on the Edge of Town” w/ sparse, but vibrant lyrics, this joke incorporates clunky, unclear phrasing.]
Rick Perry called Mitt Romney “Obama-lite.” Romney retorted by calling Perry “George W. Bush Super-sized.” [This joke was a “Super-sized” Piece of Shit.]
[I know this joke stinks, but I kinda like it…] Magician Criss Angel is engaged. The proposal was beautiful — he hid the engagement ring in a deck of cards.
[NEVER FORGET that Bill Clinton has a reputation for rampant horniness…let this joke remind us of his renown horniness…] Bill Clinton said he turned down an offer to be on Dancing with the Stars. Though, he’s still considering an offer from The Bachelor.
*Disclaimer: Some of the jokes that suck are related to how fast I have to turn them around. In other cases, and I’m not trying to brag here, it’s my natural suckiness.
