Monologue Jokes - Oct. 2, 2011 Edition
I submit topical monologue jokes as a freelance writer. The vast majority do not get sold. Here’s some I wrote this week. I post them here and make fun of some of them…I mean, some of these REALLY STINK!*
_____________________________________________________________________
The soap opera All My Children ended on Friday after 42 years on air. It’s the end of 14 cast members and their 14 evil twins.
Joe Biden appeared on The View this week. Just what that show needs — another person who says stupid things and won’t stop talking. [2 Birds (Biden & The View); 1 stone (MY ZING!)]
South Carolina is requiring all state workers to cheerfully answer phones with the phrase “It’s a great day in South Carolina.” It’s not a bad idea, though, the state agency that handles disaster relief probably shouldn’t join in.
A woman in Brazil was discovered alive after being sent to the morgue. The morgue employees realized their mistake after they asked her to identify her own body. [Does this joke make sense? I honestly don’t know…]
Kobe Bryant says it’s very likely that he might play in Italy. To prepare, Kobe is trying to brush up on his Italian — in fact, he’s already learned the Italian phrase for “ball hog.” [Kobe, feel the STING OF MY ZING! Kobe probably doesn’t know what to do after stumbling upon this nonsense blog and reading this, even though he’s better at basketball than I am at anything.]
[The logical inconsistency of this absolute piece of unadulterated shit is an embarrassment to the Texas Public School System (I grew up in TX)…] It’s been rumored that Russian leader Vladimir Putin had botox. In a related story, he’s signed on to appear on The Real House Husbands of Moscow. [This joke essentially tries to link the use of botox w/ the “Real Housewives” show…I’ve never seen one of those shows but I assume the cast members use botox…regardless, to link this botox concept, I then made up that there’s a series called “Real House Husbands” as if that is a show or ever will be one…this was my idea of something that would make fellow human beings laugh even though they have brains that can process information and discern things that are terrible such as this crappy joke…]
A new study says that stockbrokers are more competitive than psychopaths. “We’re deeply upset about this comparison,” said a representative for psychopaths.
[I can’t believe I find this joke funny, but I do…] Melissa Etheridge and her ex Tammy Lynn Michaels are fighting over spousal support and custody of their 4 year-old twins. It’s getting pretty heated … it’s one of those “she said, she said” things.
George Clooney said that Matt Damon and Brad Pitt are brutal pranksters. Clooney added that the worst prank they pulled was when they convinced him to be in Ocean’s Thirteen. [This joke is an example of how when pressed for time, I just think of the first thing that comes to mind…I know all these 3 actors were in the “Ocean’s” series of films..I only saw the first one and liked it…I even like these actors and the director of this series of films…yet, I said in my head “it’s zinger time” and thought of “Ocean’s Thirteen” (which, btw, is like from a decently long time ago) and assumed this would be a sufficient zing…sadly, it was not.]
[And now, a special one time series of mediocre “zings” based upon the death of the guy who invented Doritos…he won’t die again so savor this mediocrity like it’s a bag of Big Grab Cool Ranch…]
The man who created Doritos has died at the age of 97…
—He credited his longevity with not eating Doritos.
—His eulogy will end “ashes to ashes, orange dust to orange dust.”
—His family has asked that his body be embalmed twice … once in Nacho Cheese fluid and again in Cool Ranch fluid.
[Any chance you remember how Tiger Woods slept w/ porn actresses like almost 2 years ago? Well, if you don’t remember that, this semi-okay joke will remind you…] Tiger Woods has hired a new caddie. Though, golf experts aren’t sure it’ll help Tiger’s game since his new caddie is just a former porn actress.
A new study says that owning a dog makes people exercise more. This may be what inspired the new fitness machine that simulates picking up dog feces.
[At this point, I’d like to take a special moment to remember an event that truly changed the future of topical zingers. It was roughly 20 years ago, in late September 1991, that Bill Clinton announced he would seek the Presidency of the United States. Ultimately, this decision lead to perhaps one of most dominant forms of topical zings — that Bill Clinton has a high level of horniness. Now please take a moment to celebrate and remember the contribution of Bill Clinton’s horniness to topical humor…]
*Disclaimer: Some of the jokes that suck are related to how fast I have to turn them around. In other cases, and I’m not trying to brag here, it’s my natural suckiness.
