Monologue Jokes - Oct. 9, 2011 Edition
I submit topical monologue jokes as a freelance writer. The vast majority do not get sold. Here’s some I wrote this week. I post them here and make fun of some of them…I mean, some of these REALLY STINK!*
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This week Bill Clinton celebrated the 20th anniversary of his presidential run. During remarks on the subject, Clinton said that even though he won in 1992, he’s still worried Chris Christie might get in and challenge him.
The Hooter’s Restaurant chain is suing a rival restaurant named “Twin Peaks” for stealing its business model. Sounds fair — because if there’s one thing Hooter’s is known for it’s being discreet about its business model.
Herman Cain said that if he’s elected President, he’ll change the traditional presidential entrance music “Hail to the Chief”. In other words, the traditional presidential entrance music will remain “Hail to the Chief”.
[Have you been to coffee retailer Starbucks? Oh, you have. Um, have you noticed that the coffee is a little pricey? Oh, you have. Well, have you heard a joke about Starbucks’s high prices? Oh, you have heard 2,798 jokes about it. Well, here is the 2,799th joke about it.] In November, Starbucks will begin collecting donations of $5 or more from customers to stimulate U.S. job growth through a new program it’s working on. $5 is a pretty steep donation. For that much, you could get half a cup of Starbucks coffee.
[I can’t believe I like this joke, but I do.] Researchers in Britain have created a vegetable called “super broccoli.” After hearing this, McDonald’s announced that it’s developing “broccoli kryptonite.”
[Another Superman joke that I actually like…] A Filipino man got plastic surgery to resemble Superman. Unfortunately, the man is less powerful than a locomotive and only as fast as a “resting” bullet.
[Well, as you know, Chris Christie announced that he’s not running for President. Had he run, I believe the fact that he is overweight would’ve been a game changer in topical political humor…rivaling Palin’s stupidity, McCain’s oldness, and Clinton’s reputation for being horny. If only one person who is stupid, old, horny, and overweight would run…anyway, though this joke clearly sucks, it was my little contribution to the “Christie is overnight” genre of topical humor…] Chris Christie announced that he’s not running for President, saying “now is not my time.” After that, he added that “it’s lunch time.”
NBC has made “The Playboy Club” the first cancelled show of the season. If this continues, the “2 Broke Girls” may actually end up broke. [I bet you wish this joke could be “cancelled” from your memory. Man, does it blow!]
A St. Louis beer company is selling a beer called “Barack-toberfest.” At first when you drink it, you get an incredible buzz, but then the hangover lasts for like four years until you can get rid of it.
[This joke breaks the Obvious-Punchline-Meter. It sure is obvious and it sure is crappy.] ESPN announced that it’s permanently ending its relationship with Hank Williams, Jr. It was harsh. ESPN informed Williams of their decision in a song titled “Are You Ready for Some Unemployment?” [Are You Ready for a Bad Joke?]
[This joke is so terrible and nonsensical, yet, I think I like it…? I bet you HATE it.] Jennifer Aniston’s boyfriend Justin Theroux had his motorcycle vandalized with slices of bologna outside Aniston’s apartment in New York City. Theroux spent the whole next day removing the bologna slices using pieces of bread and mustard. [See, it clearly isn’t very good, yet I honestly kinda think it’s funny. If you can tell me how and/or why it is funny, I will give a million billion dollars.]
A new poll says that over 50% of American’s don’t know what the acronym “GOP” stands for. Even worse, 100% of Americans don’t know what President Obama stands for.
*Disclaimer: Some of the jokes that suck are related to how fast I have to turn them around. In other cases, and I’m not trying to brag here, it’s my natural suckiness.
