Monologue Jokes - Oct. 16, 2011 Edition
I submit topical monologue jokes as a freelance writer. The vast majority do not get sold. Here’s some I wrote this week. I post them here and make fun of some of them…I mean, some of these REALLY STINK!*
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Beyonce says she’s due in February. Or, as she put it — “my most recent collaboration with Jay Z drops in February.”
Americans are expected to spend a record $50 billion on their pets this year. I was shocked after reading about it on my dog’s iPad.
5 stolen paintings worth over $150 million, including works by Picasso and Matisse, were crushed by a garbage truck in Paris. On the bright side, it should make for some extremely high bids at this year’s “Paris Garbage Auction.”
President Obama met with the members of the 1985 Chicago Bears championship football team. Obama was excited but the ‘85 Bears were disappointed — they wanted to meet the 2008 Obama.
A nudity activist completely disrobed while appearing in a New York court on charges of public nakedness. After the incident, her attorney released a statement that read, “Why do I even bother?”
The IRS is investigating Google for possible tax avoidance. On the other hand, if the IRS uses Google to surf the internet, then Google has been investigating the IRS for everything.
[A classic of the American comedy landscape…a mediocre McRib reference.] A new survey finds that obesity has slightly decreased in America. But, researchers expect that to change when the McRib comes back. [The McRib may come and go, but the so-so McRib reference never dies…]
The European low-cost airline Ryanair announced that it’s removing 2 of the 3 bathrooms on its planes. Eventually, Ryanair hopes to completely remove planes from its flights and just use giant sling shots to get people where they’re going.
The Olive Garden had to apologize after one of its restaurants wouldn’t allow a customer to bring an American flag into the restaurant. But, don’t worry … this doesn’t affect the Olive Garden’s strict ban on authentic Italian food.
[This joke is absolutely ABYSMAL! Trust me.] Paul McCartney got married for a third time to Nancy Shevell on Sunday. At the wedding, the 69 year-old McCartney joined the wedding band to do a romantic version of his song “When I’m 64 Plus 5 Years.” [This piece of garbage is the “Ringo” of Beatles-based humor.]
A new report says that Avatar is the most pirated movie of all time. And, the least pirated movie of all time? Anything with Nicholas Cage.
[This joke clearly stinks, but it is an example of the Pippa Middleton joke angle – that she has a good butt. Do you even know who Pippa Middleton is? If you said no, then I am jealous of you. Unfortunately, I do know who she is. FYI — she’s Kate Middleton’s sister.] Kate and Pippa Middleton are set to be the subjects of an E! True Hollywood Story. Well, actually the show will have three subjects … Kate, Pippa, and Pippa’s butt. [Also, another joke angle on Pippa Middleton is that she exercises a lot…but, that’s for another crappy joke…]
A new report says that residents in Chicago spend the most money on coffee out of any city in America. This may explain why the city is changing its nickname from “The Second City” to “The Venti City.”
Lady Gaga brought a goat on with her while taping an interview on a British talk show. “I can’t believe I went on a talk show with that weird thing,” said the goat.
[You know you want it. Facebook set-up w/ a MySpace punch line wherein the joke is that MyScape is the loser of the two social networking companies. Have at it!] Coca-Cola has the most Facebook fans out of any company. Meanwhile, Pepsi has the most fans on MySpace.
[Remember the show “Happy Days” and its characters The Fonz and Chachi? Of course you don’t. You’re not 50? Well, I barely remember them, and yet found the time to write the following gigantic piece of crap.] The iconic motorcycle driven by The Fonz on Happy Days is expected to fetch around $90,000 at an auction. The money is set to go to a charity … Scott Bao’s bank account.
[Classic average “Sarah Palin is dumb” zinger here.] Sarah and Bristol Palin traveled to South Korea this week. Sarah wanted to show Bristol where the Vietnam War took place.
[I can’t tell if this sucks or not.] Larry the Cable Guy says he visited the Palin household on a recent visit to Alaska. Like any good cable guy, Larry met them after telling them he’d be there between 9 AM and 6 PM. [Seriously, did this joke “git ‘er done?”]
Rick Perry says he’s never used illegal drugs. Though, his hair admitted to using steroids. [All in all, not bad for a Rick Perry “hair” joke. If Rick Perry keeps sagging in the polls, then he’s not gonna have much longer to feel the STING OF MY ZING!]]
Character actress Doris Belack, most recently known for playing a judge on Law & Order” has died. Her last words were, “I’ll allow it, but it better be good, counselor.”
After numerous customer complaints, Netflix has abandoned its earlier plan to break-off its DVD rentals into a separate company. Well, looks like the “Occupy Wall St.” protesters can finally go home.
[Watch as Desai provides political commentary and mediocrity at the same time.] Former astronaut Jose Hernandez announced that he’s running for a California congressional seat as a Democrat. Having already traveled to the empty vacuum of outer space, he should feel right at home in the empty vacuum of Washington.
*Disclaimer: Some of the jokes that suck are related to how fast I have to turn them around. In other cases, and I’m not trying to brag here, it’s my natural suckiness.
