Monologue Jokes - Oct. 23, 2011 Edition
I submit topical monologue jokes as a freelance writer. The vast majority do not get sold. Here’s some I wrote this week. I post them here and make fun of some of them…I mean, some of these REALLY STINK!*
_____________________________________________________________________
Herman Cain said his proposal to build a deadly electrical fence on the U.S.-Mexican border was just a joke. Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich said his entire campaign was just a joke.
A new research study says that human ancestors likely spoke like Yoda. Or, as the researchers put it — “Yoda, human ancestors, spoke like, did.”
[An actual good Kardashian joke…] Michelle Obama said that the President doesn’t like it when his daughters watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Wow. Slamming the Kardashians? Once again, the President shows no sympathy for people without jobs. [See, it wasn’t so bad for a Kardashian joke?]
Singer Harry Belafonte is denying that he fell asleep during a live news broadcast. When asked for further comment, he said, “Just gimme 5 more minutes Mom.”
[An actual good“Jersey Shore” joke.] Jersey Shore’s The Situation was kicked out of an Apple store for cutting in line. Store employees were even more annoyed when he tried to order a Vodka n’ Red Bull at the Genius Bar.
A Michigan man who tried to be a real life Batman was asked by a judge to give up his tights and mask after being arrested for trespassing. On the bright side, the judge let him keep his Batmobile, or as it’s better known — a 1997 Honda Civic.
The United States “Misery Index” has risen to its highest level in 3 decades. Experts say it could get worse if The Black Eyed Peas go on tour.
[I never thought I’d see the day that I was writing a Tone Loc joke…but, alas, here it is…and, it is not very good.] Tone Loc collapsed on stage during a performance in Atlanta Saturday night. In his defense, Tone Loc isn’t the first person to struggle at a karaoke show. [Btw, the joke is supposed to be that Mr. Loc can only perform at karaoke bars. Welcome to Slam City, Mr. Loc, population you!]
[Maybe this is good?] A U.S. health agency said that heavy drinking is costing the U.S. economy more than $200 billion a year in lost workplace productivity. Yeah, but how can I get back to work if I keep winning at beer pong?
[So bad!] The movie “Real Steel” continues to do well at the box office. It’s the story of fighting robots. So, if you don’t feel like buying a ticket to the movie, you can get the same experience by watching a Republican debate. [See, how I pulled the old “dipsy doodle” and made the “Real Steel” plot about the GOP debates…? 2 MUCH, Desai!]
A 100-year-old man ran the Toronto marathon. Meanwhile, I’m drying laundry on my treadmill.
[Remember how the Jersey Governor Chris Christie was maybe gonna run for President? Remember how he is overweight? Well, here’s a joke in that cannon. FYI — IT SUCKS1] Chris Christie said he understands why the “Occupy Wall Street” protesters are angry. To show his solidarity, Christie said he’s starting his own movement called “Occupy Baskin-Robbins.”
[MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE for many reasons…see for yourself…] An equipment truck touring with the President in Virginia had items like chairs, podium and sound gear stolen from it. In a related story, Mitt Romney gave a press conference in which he bragged about his new chairs, podium, and sound gear. [So, here’s the preposterous logical leaps I ask the reader of this joke to bring to the table: 1.) that whoever is the Obama’s opponent, stole his chair – Makes No Sense; 2.) That Mitt Romney is his opponent even though that is not clear yet – Makes No Sense; 3.) That Mitt Romney can’t afford chairs, a podium, and sound gear even though in the last quarter his campaign raised $14 million and he is personally worth $250 million. – Makes No Sense]
[Not only is this an awful joke about “Jersey Shore”…I had to go out and drag Shakespeare into its awfulness. Why bring the Bard into this?} Vinnie from Jersey Shore said that he acted in Shakespeare plays when he was in high school. He said his favorite roles were when he starred in “The Tanning of the Shrew” and “Much Ado About Clubbing”. [This joke is from Stratford Upon Suck…although, The Bard did enjoy wordplay…]
[SPOLER ALERT: This joke is about Justin Bieber and it’s really really average.] President Obama discussed Justin Bieber while talking to some high school kids in Virginia. The President then assured the kids that his health care law fully covers “Bieber Fever.”
[Up next, it’s a double shot weekend…two average jokes about Joe Biden, back to back and commercial free…]
Barack Obama visited a fire station in Virginia on Wednesday. The President enjoyed himself, but Biden showed up and had an even better time- - he said he loved playing on the fire truck.
A man in Virginia barely looked up from his phone while shaking hands with President Obama in Virginia. In his defense, Joe Biden has met the President before.
*Disclaimer: Some of the jokes that suck are related to how fast I have to turn them around. In other cases, and I’m not trying to brag here, it’s my natural suckiness.
