Monologue Jokes - Oct. 31, 2011 Edition
I submit topical monologue jokes as a freelance writer. The vast majority do not get sold. Here’s some I wrote this week. I post them here and make fun of some of them…I mean, some of these REALLY STINK!*
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Google is reportedly considering a bid to buy Yahoo. Experts say that by owning Yahoo, Google will reduce its competition by zero.
After shaking hands with President Obama in Los Angeles, a 10 year-old boy said he’s never going to wash his hand again. Obviously, Obama is a big inspiration to the boy, because the boy is already making a promise he won’t keep.
Muammar Qaddafi’s body has reportedly been buried in a secret location. And, now, the long oppressed Libyan earthworms will exact their revenge…
President Obama said that he keeps a list of his 2008 campaign promises. Unfortunately, he’s been storing the list in the Oval Office garbage can.
[WARNING: Terrible computer “apps” joke ahead that’s combined with a terrible Lewinsky premise…2 for 1 terribleness!] According to a new book, Bill Clinton consulted with Steve Jobs on how to handle the Lewinsky scandal. Unfortunately for Clinton at that time, there was not an “app” for that. [Seriously, Lewinsky?]
[The shittiest joke of the week! It’s lame, has a pun, is tacky, is kinda mean and kinda, sorta is hard to get…this piece of garbage HAS IT ALL…when it comes to sucking!] Madonna’s older brother says he’s been homeless for a year. He’s also asked that he now be referred to as “The Immaterial Boy.” [Told you it sucked!}
While appearing on The Tonight Show, President Obama said that Hilary Clinton will not replace Joe Biden as Vice-President in 2012. Then, out of habit, Leno asked if he could replace Biden.
Rick Perry may not participate in all of the remaining Republican debates. Though, no one will notice since he’s barely participated in the debates so far.
[A semi-decent Denny’s slam!] A new report says that more than 50% of all Americans say they didn’t eat at a restaurant in 2010. Though, the same report says that 90% of American did eat at Denny’s. [Feel the “Sting of My Zing,” Denny’s!]
[Your Kardasian joke of the week…not bad…not about Kim’s butt, either…] For her 31st birthday, Kim Kardashian celebrated in New York on Friday night and Las Vegas on Saturday. Wow. She’s gonna be really tired on Monday when she has to go back to work…oh, wait…
[Is this any good? Can’t tell…] Ryan Gosling says he “thinks like a girl.” Well, if he’s like every girl I know, then he’s got a huge crush on himself.
Kris Humphries and Vinnie from Jersey Shore recently hung out together in New York. It was described as a meeting of whatever is the opposite of minds.
[You heard the McRib came back, didn’t you? Well, did you hear a series of crappy McRib jokes, too? Oh, you did…well sit through this crappy McRib joke…] The McRib is making a comeback at all U.S. McDonald’s locations until November 14th. And, who says Obama hasn’t got anything done? [Did I really have to drag the President into this crappy McRib referen?]
The CEO of Bank of America said he’s “incensed” that people don’t know how much good the bank does. Then he added that the bank will now be charging a fee for doing good.
[Let’s end w/ 2 semi-decent Biden zingers…]
First Lady Michelle Obama said that she likes to listen to Beyonce when working out. Then she added that she likes to listen to Joe Biden when she’s trying to fall asleep.
While appearing on The Tonight Show, President Obama made fun of his wife for giving out fruit on Halloween last year. In The First Lady’s defense, at least she didn’t ruin The White House Halloween as badly as Joe Biden…who showed up dressed as “Slutty Joe Biden.”
*Disclaimer: Some of the jokes that suck are related to how fast I have to turn them around. In other cases, and I’m not trying to brag here, it’s my natural suckiness.
