Monologue Jokes - Nov. 6, 2011 Edition
I submit topical monologue jokes as a freelance writer. The vast majority do not get sold. Here’s some I wrote this week. I post them here and make fun of some of them…I mean, some of these REALLY STINK!*
_____________________________________________________________________
Due to an accounting error, the German government discovered that it has an extra $78 billion. Of course, the German officials found the extra $78 billion right before they washed the country’s jeans.
President Obama mocked Congress for passing a bill re-affirming “In God We Trust Us” as the national motto instead of passing a jobs bill. Though, Obama probably wouldn’t be so critical if he knew that even God is looking for a job right now.
Google is dealing with numerous complaints about its new design for Gmail. Apparently, Google messed up when it changed the name from “Gmail” to “Netflix.”
[Were you looking for a crappy joke that combined the NBA lockout w/ reduced chances by Obama to be re-elected? Well, look no further, b/c this is that perfect piece of crap…] President Obama said he’s “concerned” that the NBA could be gone for a whole year. Though, Obama should probably be more concerned that he could be gone in a year.
[Never forget that John McCain is old, right guys?] John McCain’s daughter Megan has signed on to MSNBC as a contributor. Meanwhile, John McCain has signed on to Levitra as a customer. [I just “signed on” to regret having written this piece of unadulterated garbage.]
The University of Chicago held a conference on Jersey Shore. It’s all a part of the school’s plan to lose its accreditation as a university.
For Halloween, President Obama handed out candy at The White House to an invited group of children. Or, as Republicans put it — the President gave more government handouts to the unemployed.
[A stunning example of just how crappy a joke about Rick Perry’s hair can get:] Rick Perry has been accused of being drunk during a bizarre speech he gave in New Hampshire. Perry denied being drunk and said that it was probably just the fumes from his hairspray.
Apple is developing a solar farm in North Carolina. And, of course, as part of the project, Apple is also developing a new version of the Sun.
[Absolutely preposterous punchline and an absolutely terrible joke. You WILL be wowed by the awfulness of it…] The producers of The View want to host a daytime presidential debate next fall. Apparently, the show also wants to add a weekly segment where Mitt Romney comes on to discuss hair tips. [I hate to be an “I told you so,” but I told you that joke sucked.]
Forbes magazine ranked President Obama as the world’s most powerful person. Meanwhile, Forbes ranked Mitt Romney as the world’s most powerful robot.
A poll revealed that Bank of America customers are more likely to leave their bank than any other big bank. The poll results would have been even more severe, but Bank of America charged a fee to its customers that participated.
[Look at this awful, awful, terrible, terrible, horrible, horrible Herman Cain/pizza joke.] Herman Cain said he’ll install a pizza kitchen in the The White House if he becomes President. Then Cain announced that under his administration, public enemy number one will be “The Noid.” [More like, AVOID THIS JOKE!]
[And, the halfway decent Kardashian joke of the week goes to…] In lieu of giving back the wedding gifts she received, Kim Kardashian said she’ll donate $200,000 to charity. She donating the money to some charity called “The Kardashian Family Trust.”
Well Fargo is opening a special bank for people with over $50 million. But, watch out, the bank says it might initiate a $50 million debit card fee.
A tooth that may have belonged to John Lennon sold for over $31,000. So, remember, if you’re struggling in this economy, an easy way to pick up some spare cash is to get a hold of a tooth that may have belonged to John Lennon.
A new poll says that despite his recent troubles, Herman Cain hasn’t lost any ground. You could tell Cain was excited by the news because he tried to invite the poll results back to his place. [Wait, does this joke suck?]
An aide to President Obama said that Mitt Romney has “no core” due to his flip-flopping. To which Mitt Romney replied, “I used to be against having a core but now I’m for it.”
[Guys the big news this week was of course these 2 people:
trying to prevent the break-up of these 2 idiots:
Er, I mean, these 17 countries:
That’s right, the breakup of those 2 idiots overshadowed the European fiscal crisis. BTW, did anyone know that the EU has a flag? Stars on a flag?…so strange….must be one of those weirdo European things.]
*Disclaimer: Some of the jokes that suck are related to how fast I have to turn them around. In other cases, and I’m not trying to brag here, it’s my natural suckiness.
