Monologue Jokes - Dec. 4, 2011 Edition
I submit topical monologue jokes as a freelance writer. The vast majority do not get sold. Here’s some I wrote this week. I post them here and make fun of some of them…I mean, some of these REALLY STINK!*
_____________________________________________________________________
Paris Hilton bought a $300,000 Ferrari on Black Friday. It just goes to show you that hard work and being a classy person doesn’t really count for anything.
Sylvester Stallone is reportedly developing a Rocky musical. Even though it’s not out yet, critics have already hailed it as “the Rocky of musicals.” [Float like a Desai, ZING like a me!]
Kris Humphries has received a $150,000 endorsement deal from a watch company. Not only is it a nice sum of money for Humphries, but, with his new watch, he’ll know exactly when his 15 minutes are up. [I really hope this idiot is out of the news soon…on the other hand, maybe I’ll miss this dummy.]
[If you love Taylor Swift and semi-colons, you’ll love this joke!] Taylor Swift won Artist of the Year at the American Music Awards. For their loyalty, she thanked her fans; for their support, she thanked her family; and, for her music, she thanked her ex-boyfriends. [Sadly, this joke proves that an as adult man I pay attention to Swift’s lyrics. What, I got feelings, too…I’m not chopped liver over here…]
Newt Gingrich has started a website to respond to criticisms of him. Experts say the website will soon become the longest website on the internet.
Bruce Springsteen announced that he’ll release a new record in 2012. Spoiler alert: the might mention driving, hard times, or New Jersey. [I love the Boss. Trust me, this zing is served up with a lot of love.]
President Obama pardoned a turkey on Thanksgiving. That’s right — he’s pardoning the Super Congress. [Please “pardon” me for having written this “turkey” of a joke. And, by “turkey,” I mean “huge of piece of shit.”]
[This joke is guaranteed to BARELY MAKE SENSE!!!] NASA has launched a Mars rover which is the size of a monster truck. The rover was launched from Florida on Saturday, though it was originally set to be launched on Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. [You see, just b/c NASA launched a monster truck size rover, it doesn’t mean it actually launched a monster truck…that is where me, being an idiot, screwed up here.]
Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston almost ran into each other at an L.A. movie theater. Thank God they didn’t — otherwise US Weekly and People magazine would have exploded from trying to process it.
Rapper Lil Boosie has been sentenced to 8 years in prison. His family was shocked, especially his father — Lil Boosie, Sr.
[Are you looking for a lame joke than will single-handedly ruin your enthusiasm for the recent Christopher Nolan “Batman” movies? Well, then this is the joke for you!] Christian Bale says he is done playing Batman after the release of the The Dark Knight Rises. It’s probably a good thing — with Bale getting older, the next Batman movie was tentatively called If the Dark Knight Rises for More Than 4 Hours Have Him Call His Doctor. [This piece of garbage combined this awesome movie series with an erectile dysfunction reference…for shame, Desai…]
[As they ask in the “Full House” theme song, “Whatever happened to predictability?: Well, it wound up in this oh so predictable punch line.] American Airlines has filed for bankruptcy. And, now that it’s out of money, the airline can truly claim that is “American.”
[Back on the attack, zinging Kim K!] Kim Kardashian said that maybe she shouldn’t have kids. On the other hand, she shouldn’t be famous, either, and that worked out pretty well for her.
Pippa Middleton has received a $600,000 advance to write a book on party planning. The first step she recommends for throwing a great party? Have $600,000 you can access for throwing a great party.
The search engine Bing said its most searched news story of 2011 was the Casey Anthony trial. Meanwhile, the Supreme Court continues to hear cases.
[Remember the movie “Kazam” wherein Shaq played a rapping genie? Well, this joke sure does!] Shaquille O’Neal said President Obama is doing “a fabulous job.” Well, that’s good news for the President — now Obama’s got a lock on the “7-foot NBA center who once played a rapping genie in a movie” vote.
The son of Sean “Puffy” Combs has signed on to play football at UCLA. He said he’s gonna stay in the background and take credit for all the other players’ work.
[Oh, man, get a load of this one! It suggests that John McCain is old…yes, that’s right, this one is that “out there.” Seriously, prepare yourself for this groundbreaking joke angle on former GOP Presidential nominee and sitting U.S. Senator John McCain.] John McCain was forced to apologize for insulting Long Island on the Senate floor. Though, in McCain’s defense, he probably never meant the insult since he’s been visiting Long Island for over 200 years. [What am I gonna do next? Suggest that he uses Viagra? Stop it, Desai…YOU’RE TOO MUCH!]
[NBA Season returns trilogy:]
The NBA season will start on Christmas Day. And, to commemorate the event, Santa will be tatted up this year. [Lotta tattoos in the NBA, no?]
The NBA season will play 66 games instead of the usual 82 games. So, now the NBA season will only feel interminable instead of incredibly interminable.
President Obama said the deal struck to save the NBA season is “good.” Then the President asked the NBA and its players’ union if they wanted to try to make a deal to cut $1.2 trillion from the federal budget.
[I had taken a few weeks off from the zinger game. Had a little vacation. But, it’s nice to be back. Glad to see this hit from the 90’s has been re-mixed and is back on the charts:
No, not Chumbawamba (though, yes, this appears to be a Japanese release of the band’s hit single “Tubthumper”…I’m talking about this his from the 90’s (though, technically Gingrich did “get knocked down” and then did “get up again.”) :
The former Speaker will make for some good zinging — his fatness, past lobbying, multiple wives, admitted affairs, borderline corruptness, Lego figure hair, much younger wife w/ a weird stepford quality, self-aggrandizing, and huge ego should prove a bounty for humor. Did I mention he’s chubby. Oh, got that.]
*Disclaimer: Some of the jokes that suck are related to how fast I have to turn them around. In other cases, and I’m not trying to brag here, it’s my natural suckiness.
