Monologue Jokes - Dec. 11, 2011 Edition
I submit topical monologue jokes as a freelance writer. The vast majority do not get sold. Here’s some I wrote this week. I post them here and make fun of some of them…I mean, some of these REALLY STINK!*
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Due to the end of the NBA lockout, the Obama campaign has cancelled a fundraising event that would’ve featured NBA players in a pickup basketball game. The replacement event is expected to raise far less money, since it will just feature Joe Biden shooting free throws.
It’s been revealed that Mitt Romney’s favorite type of milk is chocolate milk. Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich said his favorite type of milk is the kind that is converted into mozzarella cheese, breaded, and then deep fried and dipped in marinara sauce.
Mitt Romney’s wife said that one of his vices is chocolate milk. Well, one thing’s for sure — if Romney wins, his victory party is gonna get crazy!
Former supermodel Christie Brinkley is in trouble with the IRS after the agency placed a half million dollar tax lien on her. And, if you think hot women have an easy time getting out of speeding tickets, then just wait until you see Brinkley run circles around the nerds from the IRS.
[If you can’t see this punchline coming after reading the set-up, then visit your optometrist.] Herman Cain quoted a Pokemon movie during the speech where he suspended his campaign. And to think…now we’ll never get to hear his inaugural address where he quotes the Power Rangers.
[One last time, for old time’s sake…a lame Herman Cain pizza joke…] The remaining Republican presidential candidates are now competing for Herman Cain’s supporters. Newt Gingrich seems to have the best chance now that he’s offering a new tax plan and also two medium two-topping pizzas for $4.99 each.
A 9 year-old student in Boston was suspended for sexual harassment after he called a teacher “cute.” Even worse for the kid, he’s now had to drop out of the race for hall monitor.
Mitt Romney said he’s going to start making his closing argument to Republican voters. Though, beware Republican voters, because that closing argument is gonna change a few times.
Matt Lauer has reportedly indicated that he will leave the Today show in April. He said he wants to spend more time with his fake enthusiasm.
A top aide to President Obama said that Mitt Romney belongs to the “martini party” and not the Tea Party. Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich said he belongs to the “dessert party.”
Newt Gingrich praised Bill Clinton for working with Republicans in the 90’s. Gingrich fondly remembered the cooperative days when both he and Clinton put aside their differences and cheated on their wives. [Take that, you loutish lotharios…with a side of alliteration!]
[Watch as I drag 3 of the finest minds in the history of western civilization into this crappy joke …] Socrates, a legendary Brazilian soccer star, has died. His eulogy will be delivered by his 2 best friends — Plato, a legendary real estate attorney, and Aristotle, a legendary air-conditioning repairman. [It would take at least 3 of the greatest minds that ever lived to figure out just how much this joke SUCKS!]
It’s been reported that the creator of Star Trek originally wanted Spock to be cast as a female. Also, instead of the “Vulcan neck pinch” Spock originally just used “the silent treatment.”
Tom Cruise’s reps are denying a report that people in Mumbai, India were paid to act like they were excited to see him. However, Cruise’s reps have not denied a similar report about Katie Holmes.
Newt Gingrich said that if he’s the Republican nominee he will follow President Obama around the country and respond to all his speeches. Also, Gingrich said he also plans to grab Obama arms, slap Obama with his own hands, and say “stop hitting yourself.”
Jon Kerry said that Mitt Romney frequently changes his positions on issues. For Kerry to say that about Romney…that’s like Beethoven complimenting Mozart. [Hey, this joke sucks in the Key of D Major!]
Larry King says he wants to be cryogenically frozen when he dies. For his sake, let’s hope that whenever he’s brought back to life, suspenders are in. [Hey, at least I didn’t mock him for being old…went the suspenders route…]
[Hallelujah. The European Union has been saved!…mostly because Germany pushed through a deal.
“THE GERMAN SAVE & UNITE EUROPE” — not often a headline in world history. Though, the British government was not happy with the deal as depicted in this obviously poignant headline:
Good news or bad news, it is big news. I mean, if the continent where 2 world wars that nearly tore the entire globe apart couldn’t find a way to work together, then what hope is there for the rest of the continents?
And, President Obama sent Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner to Brussels to help strike a deal. I bring up Tim Geithner, not b/c I have anything particular fascinating to say about his Brussels trip…but, I’ve always thought he kinda looks like Tim Daly from “Wings” and more recently “Private Practice.”
These “Tim-el-gangers” are practically interchangeable, no? Eh, kinda.
Tim Geithner:
vs. Tim Daly (Daly is on the far left of the below photo):
But, I don’t have to tell you about Mr. Tim Daly or the show “Wings”…like all people who are worth anything you must know everything there is to know about both.
Incidentally, if you wanna see “Wings” your one stop shop for the last 15 years or so has been the USA Network, which I believe uses the motto: Characters Welcome and So Are re-runs of “Wings.”]
*Disclaimer: Some of the jokes that suck are related to how fast I have to turn them around. In other cases, and I’m not trying to brag here, it’s my natural suckiness.
