Monologue Jokes - Dec. 18, 2011 Edition
I submit topical monologue jokes as a freelance writer. The vast majority do not get sold. Here’s some I wrote this week. I post them here and make fun of some of them…I mean, some of these REALLY STINK!*
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Lamar Odom has been traded to the Dallas Mavericks. It was a three way deal between the Dallas Mavericks, the Los Angeles Lakers, and the E! Network.
Kris Humphries is upset at Good Morning America after an appearance on the show where they asked him about Kim Kardashian. Humphries said he didn’t expect those questions — of course, like the rest of us, he thought he was there to discuss the European debt crisis.
[2 solid Kardashian zings to start out…]
Matt Damon says he tries to avoid appearing shirtless in his movies. Damon actually has a clause in his film contracts to deal with this issue — it’s called the “Reverse McConaughey Clause.”
[Remember the TV show “MacGyver? This following piece of crap sure does.] Richard Dean Anderson, who played the title character on the show MacGyver, was spotted waiting for help after his car broke down. Everything was fine once AAA brought him a stick of gum and a large brown egg.
[Solid, average Joe Biden fare…] Barack and Michelle Obama said they don’t allow their daughters to use Facebook. They said they’d let their daughters use it once they figure out how to block Joe Biden.
[Is it still a stereotype to say cab drivers don’t use deodorant…? I remember it from a Seinfeld bit. Either way, the punch line to the joke still believes it’s a stereotype.] A new study says that cab drivers have better than normal memories. Though, in contrast to the study, a lot of them seem to forget to put on deodorant.
Michelle Bachmann is using the phrase “Newt Romney” to attack Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich on the campaign trail. Meanwhile, “Herman Pawlenty” is busy updating his resume.
The show Fear Factor received high ratings in its return to TV. This is good news for both NBC and the edible horse rectum industry.
George Stephanopoulus is replacing Christiane Amanpour as host of the ABC public affairs show This Week. The show’s format will stay the same right down to the difficulty of spelling the host’s last name.
Karen O, the lead singer of the band Yeah Yeah Yeahs, recently got married. It was incredibly romantic when her husband and her looked deep into each others’ eyes and said “I do, do, do.” [Yes, this joke sure did suck, suck, suck!]
At the Republican debate on Saturday, Mitt Romney outlined the differences between him and Newt Gingrich. For instance, Romney said that he shops at Brooks Brothers whereas Gingrich shops at Rochester Big & Tall. [This joke is supposed to suggest that Newt Gingrich is heavy so has to shop at Rochester Big & Tall. But, what this joke actually suggests is that I wrote a horrible joke.]
[Last week I said I’d do one morebad Herman Cain joke for old time’s sake. Well, how about yet another bad Herman Cain joke for old time’s sake…at least, it’s not about pizza…] Fox News is rumored to be offering Herman Cain his own show. It’s not a news show — it’s a show where Cain gives advice on how to pick up women.
Michelle Bachmann promised to visit every county in Iowa. Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich promised to visit every Cinnabon in Iowa.
The National Transportation Safety Board is calling for a ban on the use of cell phones while driving. It should work, because if there’s one thing people are good at, it’s not using cell phones at inappropriate times.
Michelle Obama said that 2 of her husband’s favorite TV shows are Homeland on Showtime and Boardwalk Empire on HBO. And, the President’s least favorite show is the soon to be released Fox News sitcom Everybody Hates Barack. [This joke about a fake TV show sucks so bad, that the joke should be called “According to this Shitty Joke” or “Caroline in the Shitty Joke” or “Dharma & This Shitty Joke.”]
[Does this suck? I can’t tell for sure.] Justin Bieber was pulled over for making an unsafe left turn at an L.A. intersection. Though, of course, the cop let Bieber go just because he’s a pretty girl.
The film The Notebook is being adapted into a Broadway musical. In a related story, your girlfriend “totally wants to see it.”
Miley Cyrus is denying reports that she got a boob job. Funny, I always thought it was Wyoming that had the Grand Tetons, not Hannah Montana. [National Park/Disney kids show wordplay!]
Jay Z and Beyonce are maintaining a “partially vegan diet.” Or, as the diet is also known — a regular diet.
