Monologue Jokes - Jan. 8, 2012 Edition
I submit topical monologue jokes as a freelance writer. The vast majority do not get sold. Here’s some I wrote this week. I post them here and make fun of some of them…I mean, some of these REALLY STINK!*
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[Rocking the first Kim K zinger of 2012] Kim Kardashian reportedly made $60,000 for appearing at a Las Vegas nightclub on New Year’s Eve. It’s the easiest money she’s ever made besides all the money she’s ever made.
As a result of endorsing Ron Paul for President, Kelly Clarkson’s album sales spiked because Ron Paul supporters rushed to buy them. After hearing this, Bell Biv Devoe announced they’re also endorsing Ron Paul. [Bel Biv Devoe probably never saw this zinger coming, am I right?}
Angelina Jolie has reportedly purchased Brad Pitt a waterfall…which might explain why Brad Pitt was spotted returning a box of chocolates and asking if anyone knew where he could buy a rainbow.
[Hey, ever notice how Newt Gingrich is kinda chubby? Well, this joke sure noticed…] Mitt Romney compared President Obama to Marie Antoinette, saying Obama has a “let them eat cake” attitude. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich said he was for “eating cake” long before Obama ever was.
Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly are back together again. They decided to take another shot after realizing that they are the only people good looking and successful enough to date each other.
Moon Unit Zappa has filed for divorce from her husband, Matchbox 20 guitarist Paul Doucette. So, remember, address her as Ms. Unit Zappa and not Mrs. Doucette, otherwise, you may sound stupid…
[Alright, I know I said no more bad Herman Cain jokes in a previous post. Well, apparently he won’t go away. Thus, my hand has been forced to write the following shitty Cain joke…] Herman Cain is launching a 9-9-9 bus tour to rally support for his 9-9-9 tax plan. Cain is moving fast to prepare for his tour … he’s already hired a ton of groupies.
Jimmy Carter said that if President Obama wants to get re-elected he should avoid controversial issues. Though, based on history, if President Obama really wants to get re-elected, he should avoid taking advice from Jimmy Carter. [And, if you want to laugh, you should “avoid” this joke, eh?]
Paris Hilton says that her product lines and stores have amassed $1.3 billion since 2005. It makes sense, because if there’s one thing you associate with Paris Hilton, it’s business acumen.
Rick Santorum is receiving positive attention for wearing sweater vests. After hearing this, Mitt Romney said he is also anti-sleeve even though four years ago he said he was pro-sleeve.
[Average Biden joke # 1…theme: Biden has a bad personality] Don Cheadle said President Obama should have acted more “gangster” in his first term. Cheadle also said that Vice President Biden should have acted less “Biden-like.”
[Average Biden joke #2…theme: Biden is incompetent] President Obama has put Joe Biden in charge of the Administration’s China policy. In a related story, President Obama announced that he’s making his China policy a very low priority.
[Average Biden joke #3…theme: Biden is a child] Michelle Obama will appear on the January 16th episode of “iCarly”. She said she picked “iCarly” because it’s the favorite show of her daughters … and Joe Biden.
[Well, if you love average Biden jokes of varying lame themes, then this was a great week! Joe Biden, here’s to you…now make goofball as though you’re one of the 3 stooges…]
