Monologue Jokes - Jan. 15, 2012 Edition
I submit topical monologue jokes as a freelance writer. The vast majority do not get sold. Here’s some I wrote this week. I post them here and make fun of some of them…I mean, some of these REALLY STINK!*
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[You remember the family sitcom Reba which starred country singer Reba McIntyre? This zinger sure does!] To celebrate the 500th episode of The Simpsons, Fox is holding a contest where fans compete to watch all 500 episodes of the show in a row. Though, it would be a much more difficult contest if they had to sit through just one episode of Reba. [Reba, feel the STING OF MY ZING!]
[Punchline palindrome comin’ up!] Bristol Palin says she’s over “the Hollywood thing.” Luckily for her, Hollywood is over “the Bristol Palin thing.”
[Every week I say no more mediocre Herman Cain jokes. But, like Michael Corleone: “How can I get out?…when they keep pulling me back in?”] Herman Cain says he still hasn’t decided who he’s going to endorse in the Republican presidential race. Though, he said he will make an endorsement in his local wet t-shirt contest.
[This rewrites the laws of suckiness…it’s that bad!] Brad Pitt has been using a cane after injuring himself in a skiing accident. Oh, so that’s why my girlfriend said canes are sexy.
Todd Palin has endorsed Newt Gingrich for President. The endorsement is expected to boost Gingrich’s support from voters who are named Todd Palin.
[As far as a Snoop smokes weed joke, this ain’t so bad…] Snoop Dogg was arrested in Texas over the weekend for having marijuana on his tour bus. Before the search of the bus, when asked for a warrant, the cops produced Snoop’s latest album.
[Another halfway decent Snoop smokes weed joke:] Snoop Dogg says that if he met President Obama he would want to discuss the legalization of marijuana. Weird I thought Snoop would’ve wanted to discuss the European debt crisis.
A California man has started a website to stop people from using the word awesome — oh, whatever. [“Oh whatever” to this stinky joke…]
[Warning: This joke makes No Fucking Sense. I’ll explain after you’ve made the mistake of reading it.] The 90’s boy band Boyz II Men got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Their star is in a section called “Hollywood Walk of Hey Remember Those Guys?” [You see, in the setup I explicitly state that the relevant entity where Boyz II Men are being honored is the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Then, in the punchline, I rename that entity. This is impossible. For this reason, amongst other, this joke stinks. Nothing further, Your Honor.]
[Average Joe Biden Joke of the Week] Joe Biden and his wife Jill saw “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo” at a movie theater in Washington. Jill Biden said she didn’t like the movie but she was just happy to be somewhere where Joe couldn’t talk.
Beyonce and Jay Z brought their newborn daughter home this week. Both the parents and the baby are relaxing in their respective cribs. [Cribs pun? You like?]
Tim Tebow’s contract requires the Broncos to pay him $250,000 when he wins a playoff game. Of course, God will pocket 10% of that.
[Feel like it’s been awhile since I mocked Jersey Shore, but the show seems to have waned in popularity…regardless, this next joke, like so many jokes about the show before it, suggests that the cast of the show is not very bright.] In an interview, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino suggested that some aspects of Jersey Shore are faked. For instance, MTV staged a scene where The Situation and Pauly D held a book club.
Wal-Mart is offering free tax advice at some of its stores. The first piece of advice they give is to avoid tax advice being given at Wal-Mart.
MySpace may launch a web TV service. So, in about 2 years, expect Facebook to be dominating web TV.
[3, count them 3, absolutely shitty jokes about Newt Gingrich being heavy. First of all, as just noted, these jokes suck. Second, does he really look that bad? He’s 68. He looks alright for 68. Though, alas, given his decline, soon enough, we won’t have Newt Gingrich to kick around anymore…so, enjoy/hate these jokes while you can…]
[Shitty Newt Gingrich is overweight joke #1:]
During a weekend debate, Newt Gingrich told Mitt Romney to cut out the “pious baloney.” Though, after the debate, Gingrich said he meant to ask Romney to pass him the bologna.
[Shitty Newt Gingrich is overweight joke #2:]
Newt Gingrich decided not to visit his New Hampshire campaign office after seeing a large group of protesters waiting outside. Also, Gingrich noticed a Dunkin’ Donuts across the street.
[Shitty Newt Gingrich is overweight joke #3:]
Ron Paul said he’s nibbling at Mitt Romney’s heels. Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich was spotted nibbling on peanut M&M’s.
