Monologue Jokes - Jan. 29, 2012 Edition
I submit topical monologue jokes as a freelance writer. The vast majority do not get sold. Here’s some I wrote this week. I post them here and make fun of some of them…I mean, some of these REALLY STINK!*
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LL Cool J will host the Grammys this year. Personally, I don’t get it. Why does LL Cool J want to associate himself with something as irrelevant as LL Cool J? [Are you aware that LL Cool J solves naval crimes in the greater Los Angeles area with the kid from Scent of a Woman?]
Emily Maynard has been confirmed as the new star of ABC’s The Bachelorette, which just goes to show you, that for some reason, that show is still on.
[Horrendous Newt Gingrich is over weight joke…enjoy it like Gingrich enjoyus peanut M&Ms] With his win in South Carolina, Newt Gingrich upended the Republican race. Then, after winning, Gingrich upended the snack table after he found out someone ate all the Vienna sausages.
[Unfunny Dads (not even just regular sense of humor Dads), this is a joke for you…] The drummer for Journey was arrested for assaulting his girlfriend. And, who says it’s been decades since Journey has “delivered a hit?”
According to an academic analysis, President Obama’s Tuesday night State of the Union address was written at an 8th grade reading level, which might explain Obama’s new education initiative — “No President Left Behind.” [Eh, okay, I gues…]
[Hey, did you know that some people have labeled Facebook a waste of time? Well, this joke is aware of that conceit…] There’s a new Facebook app that will post a status update for you after you die. Great — now, you can waste your life even after dying.
[Your average Kim K joke of the week.] Kim Kardashian donated $50,000 to a group that prevents suicide. That’s ironic, because whenever I watch her show I feel like shooting myself.
[Do you like jokes that play off Jay Z’s song “99 Problems” and say that his 100th problem is related to a detail that is in the joke’s set-up? Well, then, this joke is for you.] Jay Z’s Manhattan nightclub was shut down due to violating health codes related to storage of food at improper temperatures. In a million years, who would’ve thought that Jay Z’s 100th problem would be “improper food storage?”
[History zing coming at you…]A Napoleon themed amusement park is being planned in France. Of course, you won’t have to be very tall to ride the rides.
[Another history zing coming at you…] 2 female Italian porn stars are facing off against each other in a mayoral race. They’re all set to have a debate that will feature some hot Lincoln on Douglas action.
[Oh, Desai, this next zing, makes you the first person to joke about China using young laborers…] Because it is now The Year of the Dragon, an auspicious period of the Chinese calendar, experts predict there will be a 5% increase in newborn Chinese babies this year. Also, experts predict that in 3 years there will be a 5% increase in the Chinese labor force.
[I’m telling you, this is the absolute worst joke ever written about Simon Cowell. No way, no how has there been anything worse.] Simon Cowell has broken off his engagement. He said that ultimately his fiancé lacked the “X factor.”
A manhole exploded and shot flames just seconds after a car carrying 78 year-old Joan Rivers drove past it. “Back to the drawing board,” said The Grim Reaper.
Seriously, are you aware that LL Cool J solves naval crimes in the greater Los Angeles area with the kid from Scent of a Woman?
*Disclaimer: Some of the jokes that suck are related to how fast I have to turn them around. In other cases, and I’m not trying to brag here, it’s my natural suckiness.
