Jokes I Wrote That Nobody Wanted From Jan. 19 - Jan. 2, 2011
I submit topical jokes as a freelance writer. Here’s ones nobody wanted to buy…I post them here and make fun of some of them, too. What’s great/awful about the internet is that is has no standards…see for yourself…
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Newt Gingrich said this week that given how many of Obama’s new staffers served in the Clinton Administration, Obama’s presidency is turning into a Clinton “third term.” In response, President Obama said “Gingrich should relax – I mean, hey, it’s the 90’s, right?” [Not bad – remember the 90’s everybody? I bet Third Eye Blind sure does!]
Meg Whitman, who lost her self-funded bid for California Governor last year, is reportedly considering another run for political office. Or, in the alternative, Whitman could just flush $150 million down the toilet. [This rich successful billionaire wasn’t counting on me zinging her good on my blog that very few people read – should’ve thought about that before you became so successful, Meg!]
Sasha Obama practiced her Mandarin language lessons by speaking with Chinese President Hu Jintao during his visit to Washington this week. Joe Biden also showed off his foreign language skills by telling the Chinese president that he’d like China to “devalue their currency and smurf a better trade relationship.” [Maybe instead of this joke, I could’ve “smurfed up” something funnier!?!?!?]
Outgoing Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele is in talks with both CNN and Fox News about a potential job as a paid contributor. If it works out, Steele will finally be getting paid to do what he loves — saying stupid things in news clips. [I like it - -sorta states the premise]
Keith Olbermann abruptly announced on air that Friday’s episode of his MSNBC show “Countdown” would be the last one. Hopefully Olbermann can somehow bring that same spirit to “Bleep My Dad Says.” [Pick your own bad tv show to insert instead of “Bleep My Dad Says” – maybe “The Defenders.”]
In response to criticism, Megyn Kelly of Fox News said that political commentators on the network do not regularly make references to Nazis. She added that she didn’t understand why Democrats were in such a “Fuhrer” over it. [Don’t see Third Reich based puns everyday…]
Octomom Nadiya Suleman said that she hasn’t been able to bed a man in 11 years. But, that’s all gonna change for her soon now that she’s shown what a stable, non-crazy person she is. [So glad the Octomom is still here to kick around.]
It’s been reported that both Marilyn Monroe and Elizabeth Taylor used to shave their faces. In a related story, Humphrey Bogart and Jimmy Stewart both reportedly used Vagisil. [I stand by this one.]
Mexican Drug lords are reportedly importing foreign beauty queens and models to be their girlfriends. Even more amazing, the drug lords have apparently developed a condom that’s big enough to fit a foreign beauty queen.
A new scam is spreading on Facebook. It’s called Facebook. [I kinda don’t get this one and I wrote it. Seriously, was I even trying here?]
