A BUNCH OF MONOLOGUE JOKES I WROTE OVER THE LAST WEEK AND A HALF
Here are a bunch of monologue jokes I recently wrote. Read them if you’ve got nothing but time on your hands. I wrote them and I wanted to do something with them, so here they are:
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The Governor of Michigan Rick Snyder says he will accept just a $1 salary this year to show his commitment to shared sacrifice. It’s a noble gesture, but, man, he is gonna be mad when he finds out that after taxes he’s only really getting 87 cents.
The rapper Waka Flocka Flame was questioned by police after he witnessed a shootout in Charlotte, North Carolina. Of course, the police report uses his real name — Waka Flocka Smith.
A new Gallup poll says Barack Obama would be in a close presidential race against an unnamed Republican. After hearing this, Mitt Romney asked people to call him “unnamed Republican.”
Starbucks has plans to enter the home brew single-serve coffee market. Though, in order to get the real Starbucks experience at home, you should ask someone for a bathroom key, and, when your coffee is ready, you should yell your name out incorrectly.
It’s been reported that the highest earning sports team ever is the Spanish soccer club Real Madrid. Or, as Americans call the team — “who?”
The Energy Department says that a California lab doing government funded bio-medical research has lost track of narcotics samples, including cocaine, amphetamines, and heroin. It’s scary — if that stuff gets into the wrong hands it could be used for different bio-medical research.
The National Audubon Society and the Cornell Lab of Ornithology will conduct a bird census this weekend. So, be prepared for someone to knock on your door and ask questions like: “You got any sparrows living with you?… any robins in there?…how many finches, any finches?”
North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il turned sixty-nine earlier this week. In terms of presents, you can’t go wrong with a gift card to Sunglass Hut.
Researchers at Boston University say that mixing caffeine drinks with alcohol does not improve your ability to drive. However, it does improve your ability to stay up and annoy whoever does drive you home…“Can we go to White Castle? Hey, put on some tunes, man…oh, they’re on?”
JWoww of The Jersey Shore said in an interview that the number one rule people should follow on a first date is to not drink. Why do I get the feeling she learned that lesson the hard way?
A New Zealand food festival will serve shots of horse semen when it opens in March. It’ll take a strong stomach to try the semen, but an even stronger stomach to get the horses to supply it.
Apple is exploring ways to make the iPhone cheaper. I’m no computer engineer, but one way to make it cheaper would be to lower the price.
A football league in Texas where players must be on unicycles during games is gaining popularity. But, if you ask me, they just look like a bunch of clowns.
Hasbro is introducing a new version of Monopoly that comes with a computerized bank. The bank is highly realistic — it keeps track of players’ money, makes players’ payments, and uses players’ money to make bad investments and then asks the players for a bailout.
Illinois Senator Mark Kirk will sit in the Senate’s “candy desk” which by tradition is a desk on the Senate floor where a designated Senator passes out candy to colleagues. No word on whether Senator Kirk will have other official duties that can be performed by a bowl.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs has demolished his Spanish Colonial house outside San Francisco so he can use the plot of land to build a smaller home, or, as he’s calling it — a Spanish Colonial Nano.
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is refusing to leave office despite repeated public demonstrations calling for his resignation as he faces charges for paid sex with a prostitute. He said for more information contact his legal representatives — the Law Firm of Mubarak & Sheen.
President Obama met with Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg today in San Francisco. Obama was there on a fact-finding mission to determine the best way to block Joe Biden on Facebook.
Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner reaffirmed the Obama administration’s commitment to a trade agreement with Colombia. It’s the first piece of good news Charlie Sheen’s gotten in days.
Good news — the Federal Reserve has forecasted faster economic growth in 2011. Unfortunately for us, the Fed was talking about China.
Two TSA agents at New York’s JFK airport confessed to stealing $40,000 from a passenger’s bag. In their defense, they did need money for a bottle of water at an airport shop.
The book version of an investigative report by the government commission that examined the financial crisis is on a New York Times best-sellers list. It’s probably because the report was released under the title Harry Potter and the Mortgage Backed Securities.
Bill Clinton said he only sent two emails while President. And for you history buffs out there, he confirmed that the emails were effective — his Girls Gone Wild videos arrived safely.
A Toronto pizzeria has been shut down for selling marijuana. Police became suspicious when they ordered a pizza and it arrived in plastic baggies.
Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton is proposing higher taxes on the state’s most wealthy residents. Political experts say it could cost him the vote of “polo moms” across the state.
The company behind an upcoming film about the Lincoln assassination has started a Twitter feed that consists of Abraham Lincoln’s own words. The first tweet reads: A house divided against itself cannot stand…hashtag “BIEBER” in all caps.
The world’s largest toy collection is up for sale at the prestigious New York auction house Sotheby’s, or, as I call the auction house — “Toys R Sometimes Us.”
The son of aging North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il is now the number two ranking government official in the country behind his dad. Experts say when it comes to his leadership style he’s a regular “chip of the old crackpot.”
The Coca-Cola Company has renounced the accuracy of a public radio show’s version of the company’s secret recipe for making Coke. Coca-Cola knew something was up when the radio show said the secret recipe to Coke is just Coke Zero plus Coke.
As Fashion week continues here in New York, people are talking about what’s in and what’s out this year. What’s out? Mini-length skirts and dresses…and, what’s in? — protests against autocratic Middle Eastern governments.
Last night at his residence, Joe Biden hosted a reception for black history month. Meanwhile, at the White House, President Obama hosted a reception for middle-aged white guy month.
At his press conference on Tuesday, President Obama compared proposing his federal budget to typical belt-tightening that households have to do sometimes…which is why the President announced that he’s canceling the government’s subscription to Showtime.
The use of laughing gas during childbirth is reportedly making a comeback. Though, doctors are warning expecting mothers against it if they have a heart condition or a really annoying laugh.
President Obama awarded former President George Bush Sr. with the Presidential Medal of Freedom yesterday. At the ceremony, Obama said, “Former President Bush is by far the greatest President of all time… I mean, just in terms of Bushes.”
The British military has apologized for firing some of its troops over email. Apologizing may not really help here: “Listen, sorry, about the way we fired you…and, you’re still fired.”
Earlier today, President Obama’s new Press Secretary Jay Carney answered questions from the media for the first time in his new job. Unfortunately, he got off to a rough start — halfway through, that computer from Jeopardy showed up and took over.
Japan is planning to build the world’s fastest train that can travel at 220 miles per hour. To which New Yorkers said, “Yeah, but can it smell like urine?”
Guitarist Slash is planning to auction off a wide range of his personal items. The auction is expected to be a big draw for rock n’ roll fans and Abraham Lincoln impersonators.
An Illinois woman has sued McDonald’s claiming that she was injured by a large shard of glass inside a sandwich. In McDonald’s defense, don’t they promise “two all beef patties, shards of glass, lettuce, cheese…”
The New York Stock Exchange merged with its German stock exchange counterpart. So now you might hear stocks say stuff like, “Well, I’m half-German but I’m originally from New York.”
Prince William and Kate Middleton announced their wedding parties yesterday. And, in all the run up to the royal wedding, Kate Middleton’s parents have had a great attitude — they said, “We’re not losing a daughter; we’re gaining an heir to the British royal throne.”
The Wall Street Journal says that food prices will increase this year. Which means, to save money, Lady Gaga should buy her next awards show wardrobe as soon as possible.
President Obama released his proposed 2012 budget on Monday. Of course, House Speaker John Boehner immediately criticized it, saying the President’s budget doesn’t provide nearly enough federal funding for tanning salons.
President Obama’s 2012 budget proposal asks for money to develop small nuclear reactors that could be transported like modular homes. I’d like to see the expression on the face of whoever receives this CB radio transmission: “Breaker, breaker, I got a nuclear reactor here. Over and out, good buddy.”
According to a new report, Mississippi has the worst eating habits in the country. In response, people all over Mississippi said, “Can you pass the fried gravy?”
A possum in Germany will attempt to predict this year’s Oscar winners. The possum hasn’t made its picks yet, but it did call The King’s Speech a “tour de force” that “crackles with intensity.”
The Egyptian military has dissolved the country’s parliament. So, they’ve got a legislature that’s getting nothing done — let me just say, welcome to democracy, Egypt.
The Egyptian military will form a committee to amend Egypt’s constitution. I saw one proposed amendment which is a drawing of a bird, followed by a drawing of a snake, and then something that looks like an upside-down hat I think…I don’t know, it’s confusing, and it’s on a tablet…
Students at MIT have formed a group dedicated to extreme origami. Also, inadvertently, the students have formed a group dedicated to extreme “not getting laid.”
An Alaskan Airlines flight headed from Seattle to Denver was delayed by a rat that got on board. In fact, the pilot refused to take off until the rat turned off its portable electronic device.
Michael Vick will appear on Oprah this Thursday. In other words, Michael Vick will cry this Thursday.
Two men tied for the title of “Mr. Beer Belly” in a biggest-gut contest held in California. Meanwhile, China continues to beat us in math, science, and manufacturing.
It’s been reported that some of the trapped Chilean Miners contemplated cannibalism. Even more shocking, this was after they were rescued.
Deposed Egyptian leader Hosni Mubarak has left Cairo for his vacation home on the Red Sea. Mubarak says he misses Cairo, because, of course, home is where your guts are hated.
An ethics group wants Congress to investigate Congressional members who sleep in their office, claiming that they’re violating rules against personal use of public resources. When asked for comment, members of Congress who sleep in their offices said, “just gimme five more minutes.”
The Grammys received their highest ratings in 10 years. After hearing this, Animal Planet announced it’s launching “The Puppy Grammys.”
The Obama Administration is asking for the elimination of the government home financing companies Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. When Sarah Plain heard this, she was like, “Hey, they’re people, too.”
Papa John’s is offering a heart-shaped pizza for Valentine’s Day. It’s a great way to tell your significant other “I don’t care a lot about impressing you.”
According to condom maker Durex, condom sales are about 25% higher than usual on Valentine’s Day. Unfortunately, that means tomorrow there’ll be 25% more used condoms than usual on New York sidewalks.
Borders books is reportedly set to file for bankruptcy this week. To find out more, just go to your nearest Borders and read the writing on the wall.
Blockbuster Video is planning to put itself up for sale. Right now, potential buyers can expect to pay around $300 million, but remember, they’ll kill you on the late fees.
Levi’s has released a new type of super skinny jeans for men called the ex-girlfriend jeans. Though, my friend said he stopped wearing his pair because they started acting “totally psycho.”
House Republicans have put forward a budget bill that calls for the elimination of PBS and NPR. Wow, if that happens, where will people go to get their news on pledge drives?
A soon to be released book claims that Wikileaks founder Julian Assange has fathered four children out of wedlock. Reportedly, you can tell the kids are his because they have their father’s creepiness.
The reputation of the New York Mets owners is suffering because of a lawsuit investigating the association of the team owners with Bernie Madoff. Though, even worse is the association of the team owners with the New York Mets.
Lindsay Lohan used her Twitter feed to congratulate the people of Egypt. Meanwhile, Secretary of State Hilary Clinton used her Twitter feed to deny that she stole jewelry.
