Monologue Jokes for Mon. Feb. 28, 2011
Here are some monologue jokes I had to write today for something. Chock full of dumb Charlie Sheen references (they stink!!!)…knock yourself out:
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The LA Clippers announced plans to celebrate Black History Month on March 2nd, even though Black History Month was in February. When asked for comment, the Clippers released a statement saying “Happy Fourth of July.”
The Obama Administration announced that it will freeze $30 million in Libyan government assets. He added that if the Libyans wanted it back they should look behind Hosni Mubarak’s assets and a box of hot pockets.
The Egyptian stock market is set to open tomorrow for the first time in almost a month. No telling who’s gonna be the big winners tomorrow — the bulls, the bears, or the camels.
Charlie Sheen has demanded a raise from $2 million to $3 million dollars in order to return to Two and a Half Men. When they heard this, CBS was like, “What, is he high? Oh yeah, he is.”
A pizzeria owner in Pennsylvania was caught dumping mice into rival pizza shops in an attempt to discredit them. He was caught when a Domino’s manager realized that “hey, those aren’t the same mice that live here”.
The King’s Speech was the big winner at the Oscars last night winning best actor, best picture and more. I gotta say this about all the winners for that movie — those people know how to give a speech.
Taco Bell is launching an ad campaign to counter claims that’s its beef does not contain enough beef.
— It’s probably not good that the ads ask critics to “Don’t Have a Cow.”
— I saw the ad, and I don’t think the facts in the ads contained enough facts.
— Still no word on when Taco Bell will launch a campaign for argue that their food is food.
The Oscars were yesterday and the Oscar for best performance in a rambling diatribe went to Charlie Sheen for his work in everyday for the last two weeks.
The Oscars were yesterday and some of the speeches went on forever — like Charlie Sheen’s.
