Jokes I Wrote That Nobody Wanted March 14, 2011 Edition
I submit topical jokes as a freelance writer. Here’s ones nobody wanted to buy…I post them here and make fun of some of them, too. What’s great/awful about the internet is that is has no standards…see for yourself…
_____________________________________________________________________
Apple says the new iPad is 33% thinner than the previous model. So, buying the new iPad is like leaving your wife for your secretary. [Kinda ok…]
Adidas has designed a new sneaker made for easy removal at the airport. Makes sense, because the one thing lacking at the TSA security check is time. [Ah yes, a humorous swipe at the long airport security lines…]
According to a Quinnipiac Poll, the most popular politician in the country is New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. The poll also revealed that the second most popular politician is “Who’s Chris Christie?” [I actually like this one!]
Donald Trump has signed a deal to develop two towers in the country of Georgia. The gold signs on the building will be in Georgian but you can bet they will all say “Trump.”
— It’s actually just gonna be one tower that sweeps over to look like a second tower. [Please, another Trump has a comb-over joke. Is this necessary? But, the first Trump zing is passable.]
The Space Shuttle Discovery made its last ever shuttle flight this week. Now, if the crew of the Discovery wants to get anywhere, it’ll be forced to truly live out the statement on the ship’s bumper sticker which says “My other ride is your Mom.” [I actually like this one!]
One million sardines washed up near Redondo Beach this week. The group most surprised by this — atheist seagulls. [This is supposed to be a joke about how god-fearing seagulls pray for sardines and then atheist seagulls would be proven wrong by the fact that sardines washed up…anyway, the punchline, if you could even call it one, was poorly communicated to a degree I have rarely seen.]
Nevada Republican Senator John Ensign, who is caught up in a sex and ethics inquiry, announced this week that he would not seek re-election in 2012. When pressed as to why he won’t run, Ensign said, “duh, losing.” [On the “lame Charlie Sheen reference” scale, I give this one a 6.]
The head of NPR resigned this week after video surfaced of NPR executives criticizing the Tea Party. Wait, wait, don’t tell me – the executives called Tea Party members whakos…or crayzees…no, racists. [Kinda okay, if NPR is in your wheelhouse.]
Julianne Moore is set to play Sarah Palin in an HBO movie. To prepare for the role, Moore says she is doing no reading. [On the “lame Palin is not bright reference” scale, I give this one a 7.]
AOL is laying off 900 employees. Apparently, AOL’s bottom line has suffered ever since time moved beyond 1998. [Yes, yes, AOL is from10-15 yrs. ago. We get it.]
Senators John Kerry and Mike Crapo introduced a bill this week that would cut taxes on makers of microbrewed beer. God, when is Congress gonna stop giving out handouts to Big Microbeer? [I’ll assume you hate this one, but I actually like it!]
France became the first country to recognize Libya’s rebel leadership this week and said it would soon exchange ambassadors with the rebels. In response, Moammar Gaddafi delivered a three hour tirade denouncing those tooth picks that come with tiny umbrellas. [This is supposed to be a joke about how Gaddafi is crazy and gives crazy, irrelevant speeches…I’m not sure that’s clear.]
