Jokes I Wrote That Nobody Wanted April 10, 2011 Edition
I submit topical jokes as a freelance writer. Here’s ones nobody wanted to buy…I post them here and make fun of some of them, too. What’s great/awful about the internet is that is has no standards…see for yourself…
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The deeply in debt country of Portugal asked other European countries for a bailout this week. Until it gets the money it needs, Portugal will continue crashing on Spain’s couch. [I like this one…for real!]
Authorities say a white powder found in a letter sent to a Florida congressman is not anthrax. Though, authorities are now hot on the trail of the “Splenda Bandit.” [I can’t tell if I like or hate this one.]
The Department of Homeland Security is planning to use Facebook and Twitter to announce terror alerts. Though, the Department will continue to use MySpace to announce live appearances of its Goth band “Nocturnal Security.” [You could have mocked Facebook or Twitter…but, instead, you mocked MySpace…so innovative!]
The Dish Network has purchased the video-chain Blockbuster. In a related story, Dish’s competitor Time Warner Cable has purchased the concept of complete obsolescence. [I’m not sure I get this?]
The U.S. military commander for Africa says he believes Somali pirates may be receiving funding from Al Qaeda. If caught, members of Al Qaeda could face serval counts of doubloon laundering. [I like this one…for real!]
A NASA satellite observed a hug cosmic blast in a distant galaxy. Astronomers have not been able to say what the blast is due to, but I’m gonna go ahead and call it: the Death Star has been destroyed and the Ewoks have been saved! [Way to reference Star Wars…no one ever does that!]
American author Anthony Doerr won the EFG Private Bank Short Story Award on Friday for his short story “The Deep.” When asked for comment, he kept his remarks, well, short. [For this one, I deserve the Worst Joke Award]
Tampa Bay Devil Rays players Manny Ramirez retired from baseball Friday instead of facing a 100-game suspension for testing positive for a performance-enhancing drug. Just goes to show you, cheaters never win, and neither do quitters, unless, as in Ramirez’s case, they are filthy rich and famous. [Makes a decent point about how Manny will still have a good life, but fails to makes a decent point about how it is funny.]
Donald Trump has bought a Virginia vineyard and says he wants to produce wines. I know I can’t wait to taste wine from a guy who has considered hiring Meatloaf and Gary Busey as business executives. [I don’t care for Trump almost as much as I don’t care for this joke…]
A congressional hearing featuring documentary filmmaker Ken Burns testifying about public arts funding was canceled this week. Instead, Congress took Burns’s testimony by looking at a still photo of him while he narrated over it for what seemed like an eternity. [I like this joke…and, in real life, I’m a big fan of Burns…he does not bore me.]
MTV announced that “Jersey Shore” cast members Snooki, JWow, and Pauly D will be appearing in spinoffs on the network. MTV — now 3 times dumber! [Desai, how do you muster the guts to insult Jersey Shore…no one’s ever shown such courage before…]
Democrats and Republicans reached a last minute budget deal to avert a government shutdown late Friday evening. Sticking points included funding for Planned Parenthood, the EPA, and “Ah, come on, can we just get the hell out of here already.” [Eh, okay, I guess…under a time deadline here…]
