Jokes I Wrote That Nobody Wanted July 17, 2011 Edition
I submit topical jokes as a freelance writer. Here’s ones nobody wanted…I post them here and make fun of some of them, too. What’s great/awful about the internet is that is has no standards…see for yourself…I mean, some of these STINK!
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Texas Rep. Ron Paul says he will retire from Congress when his term runs out in 2012 and wants to focus on his campaign for president. In other words, come 2012, he’ll be completely out of politics.
[Solid] A new article in the journal Scientific America says that meditation and orgasm feel the same. Makes sense … I remember feeling really embarrassed when my mom caught me meditating.
[ALERT: Makes limited sense!] The founder of The University of Phoenix has sold $59 million in the company’s stock … yeah, but it’s not real stock. [I think what I’m saying is that U of Phoenix isn’t a “real college.” I think? Either way, this isn’t a real joke]
There’s been a recent spate of criminals stealing air conditioners so they can sell parts as scrap metal. Or, you could just sell something more valuable than scrap metal … say, air conditioners?
Officials in the Riverside County of California have endorsed a proposal to discuss secession from the state to form a new state called South California. Though, a better name might be “Newest Mexico.”
President Obama reportedly walked out of a tense meeting with Republicans on Wednesday. Apparently, he was so mad that he flipped over the Candyland board.
An unauthorized comic book biography is being written about Tiger Woods. His special power in the book is getting everyone to believe he’s a model family man when he’s really not.
[I genuinely find this amusing but I bet you don’t] Jerry Seinfeld is selling his home in Telluride, Colorado. Though, before you buy it, you should ask him, “What’s the deal with the front porch dry rot?”
[Ehh…maybe?] Dave Grohl stopped a Foo Fighters concert in London to have an attendee thrown out for fighting. After the show, he announced the band will change its name to Foo Pacifists.
Derek Jeter is now part of the 3,000th hit club. That sounds pretty awesome. The only thing more awesome would be to be part of the Derek Jeter club. [Would it not be awesome to be Jeter?}
TNT is making an updated version of the TV show Dallas, which explains the network’s new slogan “TNT Knows Drama… From 20 Years Ago.” [Remember Dallas…well, this kinda okay joke sure does.]
Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Hines Ward was arrested Saturday on a drunk driving charge. So, even though there’s an NFL lockout, it’s still business as usual for the NFL Players Association. [Don’t know if you guys heard? But as this B-list joke shows, NFL players violate the law sometimes]
Michael Todd, the bassist for the rock band Coheed and Cambria, was arrested for holding up a Walgreen’s right before the band played a show. Even though he was arrested, he still performed an encore at CVS. [Can’t tell if I dislike this joke, or really dislike this joke.]
[WARNING: This joke REALLY Sucks!] A new study says that men value cuddling and women value sex. It was conducted by the Opposite Day Institute.
[WARNING: This joke also REALLY Sucks!] Mila Kunis has accepted the invite of a marine in Afghanistan who posted a video on YouTube asking her to the Marine Corps Ball. Hey Mila, any chance you want to got with me to the Applebee’s Ball?
Scientists have discovered an antibiotic resistant gonorrhea superbug. The article on the discovery is being published in The Journal of Charlie Sheen. [Sticking it to Charlie Sheen! How do I do it?]
An Arizona state senator is being criticized for showing her gun to a journalist by pointing it at his chest. In her defense, her brain wasn’t loaded. [Not bad I guess]
[Can’t tell if this one sucks or his decent] With NBA still in a lockout, KFC has told Dwayne Wade that he can have his old job back at KFC from his teen years. Wade said no, but his teammate Lebron James is hoping the lockout ends and he gets back to his old job from his teen years … playing in the NBA. [It’s definitely is too long]
