Jokes I Wrote That Nobody Wanted July 24, 2011 Edition
I submit topical jokes as a freelance writer. Here’s ones nobody wanted…I post them here and make fun of some of them, too. What’s great/awful about the internet is that is has no standards…see for yourself…I mean, some of these REALLY STINK!
_____________________________________________________________________
5 North Korea players have tested positive for steroids at the women’s World Cup. Authorities got suspicious when one of players set the all-time Major League Baseball homerun record and another one won the Tour de France. [Not bad.]
[Bad and good at the same time:] A ukulele festival was held on Sunday in Hawaii. It was like the guitar festival that was held there last weekend, but a little smaller.
The documentary on Sarah Palin opened to nearly empty theaters this weekend. So, in addition to being for the former Governor of Alaska, she’s apparently also the Green Lantern. [I’m not sure this makes sense, b/c “The Green Lantern movie did sell tickets it just dropped after opening wknd. Oh, well, who cares about that or this crappy joke!]
[WARNING: Horrible joke.]. Lil’ Wayne has banned alcohol from backstage on his new tour. He said he wants to keep the alcohol “on” stage.
Taylor Swift is launching her own perfume called Wonderstruck. It smells like all the ex-boyfriends you’re still mad at. [Not bad, but it clearly reveals that I have paid attention to Taylor Swift lyrics]
President Obama sent out a supportive tweet before the U.S. team played in the Women’s World Cup final on Sunday. Immediately after, Republicans accused him of being anti-American for supporting soccer. [Hey, what do ya’ know? Another joke mocking how Americans don’t care for soccer.]
[One of the absolute WORST jokes you’ll ever come across. Did I steal this from “Highlights” Magazine?] Thieves made off with 21 tons of mustard and ketchup in Austria. Guess they decided to hold the mayo.
The Women’s World Cup final between Japan and the U.S. set the record for tweets per second. Just wait until Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga appear in a soccer match. [Okay?]
A new poll says that the show Jersey Shore is not hurting the image of the state of New Jersey. Though, unfortunately, the poll also says that the image of the state of New Jersey is being hurt by that state of New Jersey. [Classic New Jersey is a dump joke…have u been to NJ? It’ really lovely. They call it The Garden State for a reason. Gardens and Roy Rogers chains as far as the eye can see.]
Border’s Bookstores is closing its remaining 400 stores. So, now you’ll have to go to Barnes & Nobles if you need to use a public restroom.
Superman and Lois Lane breakup in the reboot of the “Superman” comic book. So now Superman’s two weaknesses are kryptonite and women, am I right fellas. [I like this one; you probably don’t.]
Rhode Island has banned minors from sexting. That should be successful, because if there’s one thing minors love doing it’s obeying the law.
Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner says that if the U.S. defaults on the debt, then it will “lights out” for our economy. Apparently, right now the economy is just on a dimmer switch.
[Where u cognizant of rock music in the 90’s? You might kinda like this one then.] California is spending $650,000 extra on a hiking trail because it must bypass the home of Metallica front man James Hetfield. In other words, do not “Enter Sandman’s” property.
The recently premiered documentary on Sarah Palin got a 0 rating on Rotten Tomatoes. On the bright side, it still got a better rating than The Green Lantern.
[Don’t know if this is bad or good…] At a Charlotte Bobcats’ fantasy camp Michael Jordan treated fans by dunking a basketball. Meanwhile, Charles Barkley treated himself by eating at Dunkin’ Donuts.
[This punchline has had to have been done before.] Thousands were married in a mass wedding in Indonesia. 50% of the couples agreed to meet in a few years for a mass divorce.
[Cinephiles, this is actually a good joke.] Robert Redford is set to star in a political thriller alongside Shia LeBeouf. In other words, “The Sundance Kid” is teaming up with “The Annoying Kid.”
Secretary of Treasury Tim Geithner said in an interview that “what’s good for banks, isn’t necessarily good for America.” I’m no “Secretary of Treasury,” but I’m pretty sure I could’ve told you that.
Members of Apple’s board are considering an unnamed replacement for Apple CEO Steve Jobs, who is on medical leave. They’re keeping the choice anonymous, and so far are just referring to the replacement as “Steve Jobs Nano.” [Maybe this is funny…?]
The man who tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch’s face tweeted about his plan to do so in advance of Murdoch’s appearance before British Parliament. To think, the incident could’ve have been stopped if only Scotland Yard followed a complete nobody on Twitter.
[This is almost as bad as the one about ‘Lil Wayne above.] How I Met Your Mother star Alyson Hannigan will be the new spokesperson for Head & Shoulders shampoo. Hannigan promised to fulfill all her duties and not “flake out.”
A new study found that musicians might have brains that function better than the rest of us. The study also said that you’re still not gonna let your daughter date that bass player.
Michelle Bachmann released a letter from her physician to counter claims that she gets incapacitated by migraines. The letter reads, “Don’t worry. She’s never gonna win anyway.”
Julianne Moore says it was hard playing Sarah Palin in an upcoming HBO movie. Of course, it was hard … Moore had to learn a totally different language. [Not a bad Palin joke.]
[Horribly decent?] John Boehner had pizza with freshmen Republican members last night. In other words, some Meat Lovers pizzas were eaten by some Obama haters.
[You didn’t think you were getting off Kardashian free, did you?] Kim Kardashian is suing Old Navy for using someone who looks like her in an ad campaign. Never thought I’d say this, but Kim Kardashian and I have something in common … we both hate Old Navy ads.
Jeopardy host Alex Trebek turns 70 on Friday … what is, “septuagenarian?” [What is, similar punchlines had to have been done before?]
Kobe Bryant is reportedly is in talks to play basketball in Turkey during the NBA lockout. To make things fair, the Turkish league says that they’ll only count his first 1,000 points in a game.
President Obama has been fined $200 for not paying London’s congestion charge when his motorcade drove through the city in May. Great, so now we’re in debt $14 trillion and two-hundred dollars.
