Jokes I Wrote That Nobody Wanted July 31, 2011 Edition
I submit topical jokes as a freelance writer. Here’s ones nobody wanted…I post them here and make fun of some of them, too. What’s great/awful about the internet is that is has no standards…see for yourself…I mean, some of these REALLY STINK!
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U.S. counterterrorism officials say that Al Qaeda is on the brink of collapse. Apparently, Al Qaeda can’t agree on how to raise their debt ceiling, either.
News of the World hacked into the phone of a second murdered girl. Well, at least you can’t accuse them of not being thorough. [Not bad, I guess?]
Denise Richards says she now regrets having her boob job. Though, it’s still not regretted by her career.
Wal-Mart has started streaming movies on its website. Great, now Wal-Mart is gonna put the mom-and-pop streaming websites out of business. [OK, I guess]
A 64-year-old Florida man won the annual Ernest Hemingway look-a-like contest. And you can bet that ever since it’s been non-stop “not” getting laid.
Jennifer Aniston said that Prince William should not a get a hair transplant. Her statement appears in a new article entitled “Dumbest Questions Ever Asked of Jennifer Aniston.” [I’m not usually a fan of jokes where the title of something states the premise of the punchline…like this one…it is not very good.]
The ex-wife of Illinois Congressman Joe Walsh has sued him for $117,000 in unpaid child support. A member of Congress who doesn’t want to pay his bills? What a surprise.
The makers of the film The Social Network are now making a movie about the origins of ESPN. Apparently, the Winkelvoss twins claim they created ESPN, too.
[Bad “Jersey Shore” joke. Take 1.] Snooki says her car crash in Italy earlier this year was a result of her brakes not working. Funny, usually her problems are a result of her brain not working.
[Bad “Jersey Shore” joke. Take 2.] Lifetime has a new reality series about young Russian-Americans living in New York that aspires to be the “Jersey Shore” of Russians. In fact, the stars are two characters known as “Snook-inovich” and “The Situation-ski.”
[This is an example of where you take a premise and link to a separate story. This is a stunning example of how to do that poorly.] Ashley Olsen was spotted using a $39,000 purse in New York. Luckily, Alex Trebek was there to protect her in case anyone tried to steal it.
McDonald’s announced it will include apple slices with Happy Meals. Which explains their proposed new slogan — “Over 1 billion apple slices thrown away by children.”
[This redefines the concept of the word “average.”] A 100 year-old woman won the Miss Alabama Nursing Home contest. Her duties include getting her right hip replaced.
Hugh Hefner’s former fiancé Crystal Harris said that sex with Hefner lasted “2 seconds.” “Pretty good,“ said Larry King. [If only I could’ve added John McCain to this joke, I would’ve had the top 3 “old guy” references.]
The debt ceiling impasse has rattled short-term credit markets. And, if you understand exactly what that means, you’re probably making money off it.
[WORST JOKE of this batch. SO BAD!!!! Read, if want to experience something HORRIBLE.] The film Horrible Bosses may get a sequel. Of course, this is because the film had “not so horrible box office.” [You know what, this is the worst joke of any batch of jokes ever.]
[WARNING: This joke REALLY SUX!] KISS front man Gene Simmons proposed to his girlfriend Shannon Tweed. The wedding is expected to have extravagant makeup and that’s just the groom.
[Now, your dose of Kim K.] Kim Kardashian revealed that she has the skin problem psoriasis. If it’s contagious then that means half the NBA also has psoriasis.
President Obama welcomed the World Series Champs San Francisco Giants to The White House on Monday. The President congratulated them, tried on a Giants jersey, and then asked them if they had a debt ceiling plan.
Petroleum Engineering has topped the list of the most lucrative college major. It’s so lucrative that after graduating, your parents move in with you.
[If you don’t hate this joke, there’s something wrong with you.] President Obama encouraged Americans to contact their representatives in Congress if they want a balanced approach to resolving the debt debate. In other words, President Obama asked Americans to play Debt Ceiling Idol.
[I think I like this one (don’t hold me to it); you probably won’t] Plano, Texas spends more on fast food than any other city. This isn’t a surprise since the city recently re-elected Mayor McCheese.
[Tangentially mentions Jersey Shore, but I like this one.] Jersey Shore’s DJ Pauly D is joining Britney Spears on tour. It’s being billed as the best collaboration since peanut butter teamed up with motor oil.
Facebook has moved out of its old offices into a new headquarters building in Menlo Park, California. Meanwhile, MySpace has moved out of its offices into a Starbucks. [Desai, you Devil. You are certainly the first person to point out the downfall of MySpace in joke format!]
Ben Roethlisberger got married over the weekend. His wife is young, beautiful, and hasn’t seen the news in 2 years.
