Monologue Jokes - Aug. 7, 2011 Edition
I submit topical monologue jokes as a freelance writer. The vast majority do not get sold. Here’s some I wrote this week. I post them here and make fun of some of them…I mean, some of these REALLY STINK!
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Rhode Island has the fastest internet speeds out of any state in the country … which explains why Massachusetts has been stealing it’s Wifi from Rhode Island.
A new study says that eating healthy is expensive and that only rich people can afford to do so. The study was conducted by a cash register at Whole Foods.
This week President Obama signed the deal on the debt ceiling into law after both the House and Senate approved the compromise legislation. Though, it’s still waiting for approval from China.
A British man who died from a blood clot may have developed the clot after playing his XBox for 12 hours. No word on whether he got to the next level in the game, though, he certainly did in life.
The rapper Waka Flocka Flame was busted for marijuana possession in Georgia. Of course, the police report uses his real name … Waka Flocka Smith.
President Obama took 5 members of his staff out to lunch on Wednesday, to thank them for working hard on the debt ceiling deal. Though, the burgers weren’t great, they were still better than the shit sandwiches they’ve been eating lately.
Kate Middleton has received physical and mental training to ward off potential kidnappers. That’s right … she was taught how to cut a check.
[This one broke the Average-O-Meter!] Anchorage, Alaska was ranked the least social city in America. When reached for comment, Anchorage residents refused to speak to anyone.
In a speech to auto industry executives, President Obama jokingly encouraged them to build a car for his daughter Malia that has an ejector seat for boys. And then, he seriously asked them to build a car for him that has an ejector seat for Biden. [Classic Vice-Presidents are unwanted joke…never quite understood the logic of these.]
[A SECOND Biden is unwanted joke…that is average…] Due to the ongoing debt negotiations, President Obama may have to cancel his 50th birthday party scheduled for August 3rd. To which Joe Biden replied, “Hey, how come I didn’t get an invitation?”
[Worst joke of the week award!!!] [Barely makes sense!!!] Chelsea Clinton and Jenna Bush were in the same spin biking class in New York last week. Clinton rode 8 miles on a bike and then Bush replaced her on the same bike for 8 miles. [I guess I was thinking that 8 miles is like 8 years and that these 2 daughters represent their dads…if you can explain why I was so stupid, please do.]
[Almost as bad as the one above.] Jason Statham has purchased Ben Stiller’s Hollywood home for over $11 million. Though, it won’t be final until Statham “meets the realtors.”
[Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, it’s been a long time since I wrote a mediocre joke about you. I can honestly say I missed it. So, here’s to those 2 idiots…] Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt claim to be broke as a result of spending too much as their careers lagged. Well, at least they can always go back to doing what they were doing before reality TV …nothing.
[This week’s bad Kardashian joke.] Kim Kardashian has picked a wedding day fragrance. It’s smells like something you should not be interested in.
[Terrible!] Ohio University has been named the number 1 party school in the country. Students celebrated by doing what they always do.
[In case you missed bad Anthony Weiner jokes, here’s one that SUCKS.] Anthony Weiner and his wife were seen taking a leisurely stroll in New York. Weiner’s wife said, “It’s good to get out of the house … you, know, away from the computer.”
[Kinda okay, I guess.] Ron Artest said there’s one month until Los Angeles County officially changes his name to Metta World Peace. You know, Ron, if it’s what’s in your heart, you don’t need L.A. County’s permission to be stupid.
MTV reality star Johnny Bananas has asked the show Entourage to cease and desist using the name Johnny Bananas on the HBO program. Meanwhile, millions have asked Entourage to cease and desist period.
President Obama celebrated his 50th birthday with a party/fundraiser in Chicago on Wednesday night. It was an amazing party — it cost $2.4 trillion. [Nobody will get this after everyone forgets about the debt ceiling deal]
[So bad, and, I like Sir Charles. My apologies, Charles.] Charles Barkley said that Tiger Woods needs to surround himself with good guys. After that, Barkley surrounded himself with cake.
A Ukranian politician plagiarized a speech from Apple CEO Steve Jobs. People got suspicious when he introduced the iPhone 5.
