Monologue Jokes - Aug. 14, 2011 Edition
I submit topical monologue jokes as a freelance writer. The vast majority do not get sold. Here’s some I wrote this week. I post them here and make fun of some of them…I mean, some of these REALLY STINK!*
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Maine Senator Olympia Snowe says she’s never seen a worst Congress. This probably explains why no one will sit with her at the Congressional lunch room.
A Canadian man is the winner of a contest to live in the Vancouver Airport for 80 days to celebrate the airport’s 80th anniversary. Though, the term “winner” is used loosely here.
Texas Governor Rick Perry is expected to announce his run for President soon. Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich is expected to run his campaign into the ground.
The Iowa straw poll is being held this weekend. It’s not exactly for election purposes … whoever draws the shortest straw has to hang out with Newt Gingrich. [I really do enjoy making fun of Newt Gingrich.]
A lawsuit by a former Lauryn Hill band member accuses her of being abusive to her band. Apparently, the abuse got so bad, she made the band cover a Black Eyed Peas Song. [kinda ok]
Americans are canceling cable TV subscriptions in record numbers. In a related story, season 4 of “Jersey Shore” just started.
Ice Cube is still reluctant to discuss the breakup of NWA. Though, according to some ads I’ve seen, he isn’t reluctant to debate a bottle of Coors Light over who’s colder.
NASA says there’s evidence of flowing water on Mars. Which explains why NASA announced plans to set up a Mars slip n’ slide.
Rebecca Black is being home-schooled now because she faced too much bullying at her school because of her song “Friday”. Home school is going good for her, although, she is failing her music class.
A baseball game between Philadelphia Phillies and the San Francisco Giants had a bench clearing brawl last week. Guess, Major League Baseball also had trouble agreeing in the debt ceiling issue. [This is almost obsolete, given that the debt ceiling deal is done…so, enjoy this adequate joke that has no relevancy.]
[WARNING: SUCKY ALERT!] Luxury watch company Tag Heuer has ended its sponsorship deal with Tiger Woods. The company said they made decision after receiving a text message from Tiger that wasn’t intended for them. [So bad, and barely memorable that Tiger Woods’s phone texts got him in trouble.]
[Please, God, forgive me for this awful joke…I was just in a huge rush to turn it around.] In addition to ecstasy, Big Boi from Outkast was found with 10 Viagra pills during his weekend arrest. And, now that his arrest has lasted for longer than 4 hours, he’d better make sure to call an attorney. [SERIOUSLY, how bad was this joke? The badness of this joke lasted longer than 4 hours.]
[Worst joke of the week?] A guitar valued at $5,000 has been stolen from the tour bus of George Clinton and his P-Funk band. Clinton said if he finds the person who stole, he’s gonna “funk them up.”
A Hollywood producer says that Jennifer Aniston kicked Brat Pitt out of their house after he confessed his love for Angelina Jolie. Either that, or Pitt never helped with the dishes. [Kinda okay. On second thought, kinda shitty.]
[No Kardashian jokes this week…sorry…I guess? On the bright side, there was a “Jersey Shore” zinger. On a separate note, Tim Pawlenty has dropped out of the Republican Presidential race. Tim, I want you to know that I really enjoyed making fun of you. Thanks for all the hard work…and, the laughs, Tim-bo, the laughs…and, is it okay if I call you Tim-bo?]
*Disclaimer: Some of the jokes that suck are related to how fast I have to turn them around. In other cases, it’s my natural suckiness.
