Monologue Jokes - Aug. 21, 2011 Edition
I submit topical monologue jokes as a freelance writer. The vast majority do not get sold. Here’s some I wrote this week. I post them here and make fun of some of them…I mean, some of these REALLY STINK!*
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Michelle Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll, even though Mitt Romney and Rick Perry didn’t compete in it…proving that she can beat any other Republican candidate except the 2 candidates that are expected to beat her.
Mitt Romney’s net worth is between $190 and $250 million. Clearly, he hasn’t spent any of that money on a personality. [Eh, okay…blah, blah, blah, he’s boring…]
President Obama is traveling the Midwest on a new $1.1 million bus. And, yes, it does come with cup holders.
Mike Myers has signed on to do a fourth Austin Powers movie. This means a whole new generation will be introduced to annoying impressions of Austin Powers. [Yeah, baby! This joke was Shag-a-delic!!! How do I come up w/ these?]
[The terrible Kim Kardashian joke of the week.] Some style experts are claiming that Pippa Middleton pads her butt. Though, the experts used the technical, scientific term … “Kardashian-i-zing.” [Yes, this sure did suck…but, did you know that Kate Middleton’s sister, Pippa, is now a tabloid sensation, and the thing about her is that she’s in good shape…that’s what reported on — her fitness regiment. Not joking.]
Scientists say they’ve developed a new preservative that could extend the shelf life of meat and dairy products for years. They’re calling this preservative a “freezer.” [Not bad.]
Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell is replacing Texas Governor Rick Perry as head of the Republican Governor Association now that Perry is running for President. Well, McDonnell has some big hair to fill. [A classic of the joke genre where someone is replacing someone in a position and they’ve got big _____ to fill and the “______” is not “shoes” and the substituted item indicates something about the outgoing person’s personality. If there was such a thing as a joke robot, I’d include this theorem for sure.]
[WARNING: This joke involves the Octomom…a topic that got old like 2 years ago or something…] The Octomom Nadya Suleman got a ticket for having an above-ground pool without the proper permit. Wow, who would’ve thought she’d do something irresponsible? [There it was. A sucky Octomom joke. You did not ask for it, and you got it!]
California has the lowest credit rating of any state. By contrast, it has the highest gubernatorial birth rate. [Ha, ha, that news about Schwarzenegger from like 2-3 months ago…I brought it back! Desai, you rascal!]
The Obama Administration announced that is has an official Foursquare account for the President. According to his Foursquare account, you can find the President in the dog house.
Rise of the Planet of the Apes continues to do well at the box office. But, the real issue is now that these apes have finished rising up and taking over, what’s their plan to spur job growth? [I like this one.]
[Classic mediocre “Jersey Shore” joke number one:] Jersey Shore cast-member Deena Cortese admitted to getting a nose job. Even more embarrassing, she admitted to being on Jersey Shore.
[Classic mediocre “Jersey Shore” joke number two:] During an appearance on Access Hollywood, Snooki did not know what the word “monogamous” meant. In her defense, she probably has no use for the word. [You gotta admit Snooki and The Situation have been game changers in the department of idiotic pop culture.]
Tim Pawlenty has dropped out of the Presidential race. Before dropping out, Pawlenty thanked his family, his campaign workers, and his supporter. [ Ok joke and a classic of the genre of joke where you drop a plural so as if to make someone seem unpopular, i.e. “Kim Kardashian thanked her wedding guest.” You get it!]
A homeless man was removed after he was found squatting in a New York townhouse owned by Today show’s Ann Curry. But, don’t worry, authorities have released Al Roker. [A VERY average joke that does the old “dipsy-doodle.”]
[Have you missed the all-time classic “Bill Clinton is horny” joke? Well, this bud’s for you:] Bill Clinton said he’s surprised and ”tickled” that Rick Perry is running for President. Though, it’s usually Clinton who does the surprise tickling.
[This week, Rick Perry got into the Presidential race. As a native of Texas (Arlington, TX, you know, home of the TX Rangers and America’s 10th Fattest city), I find him hilarious. He’s a real-deal Texan, but he is just so “Texas” it cracks me up. I think the joke angles on him will be his haircut and being a George W. Bush re-tread. But, watch out for these: he looks like Josh Brolin, he looks like a fake candidate out of “The West Wing,” and he has a huge ring. Get that ring in some more photos/clips and people might start cracking jokes about its comedic largeness.]
*Disclaimer: Some of the jokes that suck are related to how fast I have to turn them around. In other cases, it’s my natural suckiness.
