Monologue Jokes - Aug. 28, 2011 Edition
I submit topical monologue jokes as a freelance writer. The vast majority do not get sold. Here’s some I wrote this week. I post them here and make fun of some of them…I mean, some of these REALLY STINK!*
_____________________________________________________________________
The federal government has fined Google five-hundred million dollars. When Google heard this, Google was like, “Did you mean five hundred dollars?”
Amy Winehouse’s toxicology report says she had no drugs in her system at the time of her death. Though, authorities are now sending the toxicology report to get a lie detector test. [Don’t like kicking Winehouse around, but this was pretty good.]
Al Sharpton is getting his own show on MSNBC. To prepare, Sharpton says he’s picking out a new pair of glasses.
Steve Jobs is stepping down as CEO of Apple. It’s a sad day for Apple and an even sadder day for black turtlenecks. [2 wardrobe zingers back to back!]
Charles Barkley said that watching Tiger Woods struggle almost made him cry. And, so did watching the discontinuation of the McRib. [Once again, I’ve managed to insinuate that Charles Barkely is overweight. Oh man, how is that great athlete who is rich and seems like a really good guy gonna deal with the wrath of Desai!?]
A friend says that Gerard Depardieu’s public urination incident was a result of him having a prostate problem. Apparently, Depardieu’s prostate is a douchebag actor. [Oh bravo, Desai…what a twist!]
[Last week, I brought you a crappy Octomom joke…this week I bring you ANOTHER crappy Octomom joke. Hey, when life gives you octos, make octomom jokes, right?] Octomom won a celebrity boxing match last night in Florida. Still no word on who the celebrity was.
President Obama was spotted wearing “dad jeans” during his vacation. Makes sense, no one listens to my Dad anymore, either.
Though only in the race for 2 weeks, Rick Perry has surged ahead of his GOP competitors in 2 polls. When Romney heard this, he said he’s switching from hair gel to hairspray.
President Obama stopped by a bookstore in Martha’s Vineyard to pick up 2 books at the start of his vacation. Let’s hope they’re both economics textbooks.
28 year-old rapper Lil’ Wayne was injured in St. Louis while skateboarding. Authorities say things went wrong for him when he skateboarded while being 28 years old. [In skater parlance, this joke is a “poser” of a funny joke…actually, it ain’t so bad. Hey, anyone remember that Avril Lavigne song “sk8er boi?” Man, that song sucked…let’s see if I can top that suckiness w/ one of my jokes?]
Hilary Duff will be dropped from a movie due to her pregnancy. After hearing this, people are hoping that David Arquette gets pregnant and stays pregnant forever. [For some reason, David Arquette has always annoyed me…oh wait, I remember what annoys me about him…everything. Eh, u know, he seems like a good enough guy. What do I care?]
Katie Couric’s new ABC talk show will be called Katie. Of course, based on the title, you can expect the show to be highly unpredictable.
Beyonce was listed as 18th in Forbes magazine’s “100 Most Powerful Women” list. Though, technically she’s tied at 18 with Sasha Fierce.
[Ah, Congress members, ya’ big lugs:] A newly released study says that 8 in 10 members of Congress lack any education in economics. That’s shocking — I thought it would’ve been 10 in 10.
Ryan Gosling broke up a street fight in New York City. Apparently, the two brawlers stop fighting after getting lost in Gosling’s eyes. [Ain’t no joke (even though this a joke) — Gosling is handsome. Cannot be denied.]
[2 birds (Kardashians and Jersey Shore) with 1 stone (major zinger)] Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are currently honeymooning in Italy. Poor Italy. First the cast of “Jersey Shore” and now this?
Chicago Cubs’ shortstop Stralin Castro was benched for not paying attention during a game. When asked how he felt about it, he responded, “What was that now?” [I actually like this one, but it is a classic of the genre where the protagonist of a joke does the thing in the punch line that he’s accused of doing in the set-up…btw, do jokes even have protagonists?
A company founded by comic book author Stan Lee is claiming the rights to and all the proceeds from the new Conan the Barbarian movie. If his company wins, Lee can expect $37 in proceeds from the movie. [This movie did not perform well at the box office is the point of this joke in case you didn’t get this joke that barely makes sense.]
[This punch line is about 2 weeks too old…should’ve been done when the debt deal was in the news.] President Obama took Michelle Obama out for dinner on a “date night” on Friday. There was an awkward moment when a Chinese official showed up and told Obama that his credit card wasn’t going through.
[WARNING: SUCKS, but somehow in a modestly respectable way.] Morgan Freeman ran into President Obama on a golf course in Martha’s Vineyard and advised Obama to “get mad.” And, after that, Freeman told Obama to “get busy living or get busy dyeing.” [See how this sucks but still references a legendary movie? Kinda makes it decent. I wish it was Cuba Gooding, Jr. so the he coulda told the Prez to “Show me the money!”]
[Classic average Joe Biden work here:] The White House chimneys were swept on Wednesday. Though, it won’t be long before Joe Biden is blowing smoke up them again.
Match.com said it will screen for sexual predators … which means the site is just gonna be for women from now on. [Ok…?]
[The big items this week were the Kardashian wedding, Obama on vay-k, and that I used the term “vay-k.” Incidentally, funny scene in an incredible movie MacGruber where MacGruber uses “vay-k.” That movie is hilarious and underrated. You should see it! I’m also surprised the Gerard Depardeau urine incident didn’t rank higher on the stupid news event scale. Guess people don’t remember the movies Greencard or My Father the Hero? I never would’ve thought that.]
*Disclaimer: Some of the jokes that suck are related to how fast I have to turn them around. In other cases, it’s my natural suckiness.
