Monologue Jokes - Sep. 4, 2011 Edition
I submit topical monologue jokes as a freelance writer. The vast majority do not get sold. Here’s some I wrote this week. I post them here and make fun of some of them…I mean, some of these REALLY STINK!*
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Huggies has released camouflage diapers. But, if your baby is in a combat situation, you probably got bigger problems than what type of design should be on your kid’s diapers.
Film director Sofia Coppola wed musician Thomas Mars in Italy. The wedding video has already been accepted to Sundance.
[Watch how this punch line seems like it should be vaguely funny but then completely is not.] There’s a report that Texas A&M will announce it’s leaving the Big 12 conference. No word yet in response from the Big 11 conference. [Classic 12 minus 1 equals 11 comedy gag…you know that old classic!]
Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said Dick Cheney insulted her integrity in his new memoir. Though, she’s lucky he didn’t try to bomb her integrity.
[The “Barely-Makes-Sense-O-Meter” is going haywire here!] Whoopi Goldberg adopted a cat that was thrown out of a car window. Though, the cat has already asked to be returned to the car window. [The purported point/zing of this joke is that the cat hates Whoopi Goldberg and would rather be thrown out of windows. But here’s where this joke goes awry and heads in the direction of Sucktown, USA. First, cats can’t talk (despite movies which posit the contrary). Second, “return[ing] to the window” does not mean the cat will be thrown out of it. The joke makes it sound like the cat just likes car windows…what could possibly be funny about that?]
[What would life be without adequate Jersey Shore jokes?] Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino says he missed the Video Music Awards because of Hurricane Irene. In a related story, many of award winners last night thanked Hurricane Irene.
[Warning: Clunky phrasing ahead.] Golfer winner Rory McIlroy is dating tennis player Caroline Wozniacki. They have a lot in common…for instance, they both play sports that when shown on TV are interrupted by Mercedes ads.
A 61 year-old man is playing kicker for the Faulkner University football team in Alabama. The other players asked the coach to put the 61 year-old man on the team so they could have a veteran leader who can buy them alcohol.
[Did you hear the one about John McCain being old? Oh, you’ve heard 235 of them? Well, here’s another.] President Obama said the founding father he’d most like to meet is Ben Franklin. Of course, the President wasn’t including the Founding Father he’s already met … John McCain.
President Obama’s uncle was arrested for a DUI in Massachusetts last week. And when he told police he was the President’s uncle, they also wrote him up for a broken tail light and an expired registration.
Former Survivor contestant Rupert Boneham may run for governor of Indiana. He still hasn’t decided if he’ll be a Democrat, Republican, or run from another tribe.
[You know how people share their most embarrassing moments, well, my most embarrassing moment is having written this joke…it is THE WORST! It’s bad enough that it’s about Kim Kardashian, and even worse that it’s about her having a big butt, but to make it disturbingly terrible, it also barely makes sense.] Alyssa Milano says the size of her heart has tripled since having a baby. Meanwhile, since getting married, the size of Kim Kardashian’s butt has tripled.
The Oscar de la Renta shop in Manhattan has been ranked the most expensive shop in the U.S. with an average receipt of $3,217. Though, Whole Foods is right behind it.
Derek Jeter has split from actress Minka Kelly. Though it’s sad, on the bright side for Derek Jeter…he’s still gets to be Derek Jeter.
U.S. women’s soccer star Hope Solo will appear on Dancing with the Stars. It’ll be a new experience for her, because as a soccer player, she’s not used to Americans watching her on TV. [Oh man, Desai, you are nailing a new take here! Americans do not like soccer. I’ve never heard that pointed out by a comedian! Is it just me, or do women go to the bathroom together?]
[Another example of how a joke seems funny at first, but then is completely crappy.] The world’s fastest man Usain Bolt was disqualified from the 100 meters sprint at the Track & Field World Championships after getting a false start. On the bright side, he is now also the world “jumpiest man.”
A new report says half of Americans will be obese by 2030. In a related story, by 2030, almost all 50 states will be named Alabama.
[MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE! I PROMISE!] Mark and Donnie Wahlberg are opening a new restaurant called “Wahlburgers.” I’m guessing the restaurant’s specialty will be “walls?” [You see, what I was going for here is that obviously, the restaurant is for burgers, right, but what about the other syllable in “Wahlburgers”…you know, “walls?” That was my idea of something that is supposed to be funny…]
Lost star Matthew Fox was arrested for allegedly punching a woman. His lawyer predicts the case will end soon, but, when it does end, it will be confusing and unsatisfying.
7-Eleven has introduced a new line of hot dog flavored potato chips. The chips get their flavor from being rotated under a heat lamp for 2 days.
NASA says it may have to evacuate the international space station by November. Apparently, they’ve gotta make room for the upcoming cast of MTV’s Real World.
[The week Dick Cheney released his memoir. And, trust me, people still want to hear jokes about him shooting stuff in the face. It doesn’t matter what the set-up involves, punch lines invariably included some type of “shoot in the face” reference. Example: Dick Cheney released a new memoir this week. It’s called “How to Win Friends and Shoot Them in the Face.” These “face” jokes truly write themselves. Go ahead, write one yourself!]
*Disclaimer: Some of the jokes that suck are related to how fast I have to turn them around. In other cases, and I’m not trying to brag here, it’s my natural suckiness.
